Raving Lunacy

Moving

2012-01-02T21:07:00.003-05:00

SHORT VERSION: WE'VE MOVED. RAVING LUNACY IS DEAD. NEW BLOG IS HERE. FOR LONG VERSION AND EXPLANATION, SEE BELOW:

I don't do this lightly, but I've decided that this blog no longer suits me. I really don't like the "NJF Ushanka" URL, it's confusing and non-indicative. And there are a dozen blogs titled "Raving Lunacy" on Blogspot alone.

Because of this, I'm moving the site. By the time you read this, the Raving Lunacy archives will have been moved in their entirety to my new blog, Jingoism Today.

The lights are off on Raving Lunacy. It's been a good run. Don't expect to see any more posts here.

Time to update your bookmarks.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a blog to build.

Ronpocalypse Paul

2012-01-02T20:34:00.001-05:00

Excerpts from the screenplay of the latest Francis Ford Coppola film, Ronpocalypse Paul.

SCENE 2: A Republican campaign office.

Think-tanker: This(holds up picture) is Doctor Ron Paul. Was an promising Republican Representative once. Then, in 1986, he tried taking out Reagan. Saying that he was being too "apprehensive towards the Soviets". Got laughed out of the party for that one. In obscurity, he published some newsletters. Said some pretty nasty things about blacks and Jews. Associated himself with Neo-Nazis. This couldn't happen. We offered him one shot. Let him back in. He started his career as if he had never left. A harmless little loon. Now he's running for President. He may win Iowa. You know what happens if he wins Iowa?

Willard: What?

Think-tanker: Disaster. He'll become the not-Mitt. He may win the nomination. And then he'll lose to Obama. Do you want that to happen?

Willard: No, sir.

Lobbyist: Exactly.

Think-tanker: So your mission is to go through Middle America, pick up his trail in Iowa, and then proceed to his campaign headquarters, where you will terminate his campaign.

Lobbyist: Terminate... with extreme prejudice.

SCENE 8: Somewhere in Middle America

Willard(narrating): We had to rendezvous with the 6044th Tea Party Division. 6044th Tea Party were just some people who traded their political apathy for tricorne hats and had gone tearassing around every halfway competitive district in the country. Right now they were fighting some Occupiers.

Willard: Where's your commanding officer?

Tea Partier: That's him over there.

(The Tea Party Commander is throwing death cards over the corpses of the Occupiers)

Tea Party Commander: Damnit, there's not even a Jack in the whole bunch...

Willard: Captain Willard, sir! We were supposed to rendezvous with you?

Tea Party Commander: I didn't hear anything about that, Captain. We'll try to fit you in. Just give us some time to finish these Occupiers. It's pretty hairy out here. I'm gonna call in the tear gas.

Willard: What?

Tea Party Commander: Get back if you know what's good for you.

(Police helicopters appear, spraying tear gas on the Occupiers)

Tea Party Commander: You smell that? You smell that?

Willard: What?

Tea Party Commander: Tear gas, son. Nothing in the world smells like that. I love the smell of tear gas in the morning. One time we had an encampment, we gassed 'em for 12 hours. When it was over, I walked through it. Didn't find one of 'em, not one stinking dink hippy. But that smell! You know, that peppery smell! It smells like... authority. You know, someday this election's gonna end...

SCENE 15: Camp Johnson

(A ruined camp. A few drugged-out "campaign staffers" dance clumsily in the rain.)

Willard: Where's your candidate?

Staffer: Him? He left for the Libertarians weeks ago.

SCENE 22: Camp Santorum

(Utter carnage. Explosions and shrapnel fly everywhere. Staffers try to get on the boat, in an attempt to find more fortunate campaigns elsewhere.)

Willard(narrating): Santorum was the last "mainstream" Republican outpost in Iowa. Everything from here on out was Paul.

Willard: Who's your candidate?

Staffer: Ain't you him? Hold on, we got some gay people out there. They might even be Protestants! Roach!

(Roach silently throws Bibles at the gays.)

Willard: Do you know who your candidate is?

Roach: Yeah.

(Roach walks away)

SCENE 27: The Paleoconservative Plantation

(Dinner. Willard is seated with Paleoconservatives at a dinner table.)

Willard: I don't understand. Why are you all still here, rooted in the same tired old ideals of ostrich-like isolationism combined with extreme social conservatism and a hatred of free markets?

PaleoCon Leader: You NeoCons don't understand. You don't know defeat. You won the Conservative Revolution. But we lost. We lost with Taft in the 1950's. We lost with the John Birchers in 1961. We lost with Kirk in the 1980's. We lost with Buchanan in the 1990's. WE LOSE! But this, this "Ron Paul", this we will not lose! This is ours!

( Willard stares silently at the poor, deluded corpses.)

SCENE 32: Paul's Campaign Headquarters

(The boat comes up to Paul's Campaign Headquarters, somewhere in Iowa. It's a ruined town hall. Some of his followers stare silently at the boat. In the center of them is a photojournalist.)

Photojournalist: Don't worry! Everything's been cleared! Watch out! (Gestures to right There's mines over there! (Gestures to left) Mines over there! Oh and watch out, those goddamn hacktivists bite, I'll tell ya! (Gestures to Paulies) They're scared. They think you've come to take him from us, and I hope that's not true, right?

Willard: Take who?

Photojournalist: What do you mean "who"? The Doctor! Doctor Paul!

Willard: Can we talk to the Doctor?

Photojournalist: Hey, man, you don't talk to the Doctor. You listen to him. The man's enlarged my mind. He's a poet-warrior in the classic sense. I mean, sometimes he'll, uh, well, you'll say "Hello" to him, right? And he'll just walk right by you, and he won't even notice you. And suddenly he'll grab you, and he'll throw you in a corner, and he'll say "Do you know that 'erf' is the middle word in 'water floridation'? 'If you can keep your head when all about you are really puppets of Zionist Jews, if you can trust yourself when all men doubt you'..." – I mean, I'm no, I can't – I'm a little man, I'm a little man, he's, he's a great man. I should have been a pair of ragged claws scuttling across floors of silent seas – I mean –...

Willard: All we want to do is see the Doctor.

Photojournalist: You can't. He's out there, with his children. Where he won't be judged.

Willard(whispering, to a member of his boat crew.): Here's the code for the airstrike. If I'm not back by 2000 hours tomorrow, call it in.

SCENE 33: The Doctor's Quarters

(Willard is led to Doctor Paul's quarters by armed guards. Doctor Paul is laying down.)

Paul: Where are you from, Willard?

Willard: Texas, sir.

Paul: What part of Texas?

Willard: Amarillo, sir.

Paul: Is that by the river?

Willard: What?

Paul: The Rio Grande River. I went down that river once when I was a kid. There's a place in the river. I can't remember. Must have been a poppy plantation at one time. All wild and overgrown now, but for about five miles you'd think that heaven just fell on the earth in the form of heroin.

Willard: Um...

Paul: Did they tell you why they want to terminate my campaign?

Willard: I was sent on a classified mission, sir.

Paul: It's no longer classified, is it? Did they tell you?

Willard: They told me that you had gone totally insane, and that your thoughts were unsound.

Paul: Are my thoughts unsound?

Willard: I don't see any thoughts at all, sir.

Paul: I expected someone like you. What did you expect? Are you a warmonger?

Willard: I'm a pundit.

Paul: You're neither. You're a NeoCon, sent by Zionists to steal my gold.

ATTENTION IOWA CAUCUS VOTERS: You get to choose how the story ends! If Ron Paul wins the caucus, the airstrike will be called in, but Willard and Paul will fend it off. If Ron Paul loses the caucus, Willard will terminate Paul's campaign. Choose wisely!

PS. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, VOTE FOR ANYBODY BUT RON PAUL. AND JON HUNTSMAN. AND OBAMA, OBVIOUSLY. ONLY VOTE FOR ROMNEY IF YOU ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO. THAT IS ALL.

2012 Predictions

2011-12-31T17:35:00.001-05:00

With the New Year nearly upon us, I thought I'd tell you what I think 2012 shall entail:

* Israel will not attack Iran until after the November 2012 Presidential Elections, and that's only if a Republican wins.

* Kurt Schlichter will reveal himself to be The Spirit of True Conservatism, ready to purge the world of leftism forever. And he'll be so very #caring while he does it.

* The new Arrested Development is going to suck just like the old one did.

* No matter who wins in 2012, the Senate will go Republican.

* You're going to see a lot more of Fidel Dutch, Dr. Jingo, Venus of Vicodin, Curtis LeMay, and a few other characters I haven't introduced yet.

* Mitt Romney will be the GOP nominee. Sorry, guys.

* Eric Cantor will become the first Jewish Speaker of the House.

* Bad things will happen to Argentina if they try to take the Falklands.

* Some Conservative members of the UK Parliament will defect to UKIP.

* Some of the worst problem states will leave, or be evicted from, the Eurozone.

* Nicholas Sarkozy will not be reelected. Shocker.

* Kim Jong-un will attempt to initiate some purges within the highest levels of North Korea's government and military. He may not succeed. He may spark a civil war. If the latter happens, expect the US and South Korea to take full advantage of the situation.

* Hugo Chavez will not survive to the end of the year.

* Bashar al-Assad will not be in office at the end of the year. NATO or the EU may have a hand in that. If they don't, Israel will. Israel may also occupy Syrian territory to keep the area stable(and to get the jump on Lebanon)

Parthia Delenda Est

2011-12-22T21:25:00.002-05:00

Or, Why Not Victory?

It's a cold war with Iran, and it ought to get hot. It is abundantly clear to all those involved that either the US, Israel, or the People's Mujaheddin of Iran(or possibly all three) are in a low-level war with Iran, the theocratic regime that has turned its men into its slaves, and its women into their slaves(and don't even ask about what they do to homosexuals).

Now, every other week or so, an Iranian missile facility or nuclear scientist mysteriously explodes, or there is more evidence of US drone activity over Iran. I don't have a problem with any of this, but it doesn't get to the root of the problem: the regime.

Ours is a policy of containment that does not actually stop Iran from behaving like a rogue state, it just only enforces varying levels of "rogueness". Rather, our policy towards Iran must be one of rollback: that is, the current regime in Iran must be replaced, by any and all means necessary, preferably by a democracy, or even more preferably by a pro-US dictator.

Yes, this means a military strike. Before you all balk, here are the reasons why Iran cannot and will not be a quagmire:

1. Iran is not a fractured state, with competing ethnicities and faiths. For example: Iraq or Afghanistan, both of which have large ethnic, lingusitic, and, in the case of the latter, religious differences among their citizens that make nation building difficult. The vast majority of Iranians are ethnically Persians, and religiously Shia. This homogeny means that it will not be as difficult to create a stable Iranian state as Iraq or Afghanistan.

2. Sheer unpopularity of the current regime. Even in Iraq, many people looked up to Saddam because of the order he kept. For reasons stated in #1, order is not difficult to keep, the mullahs are doing nothing special by keeping any semblance of order in "their" country. It must be noted that the mullahs are unpopular enough that their are demonstrations(or some would say, revolts) against their regime. This unpopularity will probably make the inevitable insurgency far less severe than the one in Iraq.

3. Nowhere to hide. We had problems in Iraq because of their border with Iran. We have problems in Afghanistan because of their border with Pakistan. The mullahs and their followers can't go anywhere. Iran does have a small border with Pakistan, but the Pakistanis see Iran as a threat to their power in the region. I doubt they'll help them.

For all these reasons stated above, it will be much easier for the US military to hand the reigns over to the Iranians than in Iraq or Afghanistan. I doubt that the war with, and subsequent occupation of, Iran will last half as long as the occupation of Iraq.

We just need to ask ourselves, "Why not victory?"

Fear and Loathing at The Oral Surgeon, Part Two

2011-12-11T20:54:00.001-05:00

(AUTHOR'S NOTE: I recently got my wisdom teeth removed. I woke up hours later in my house, with cuts, broken bones, and no memory of any of the events after my operation. I found a notebook, written haphazardly in my handwriting, and signed "Fidel Dutch" sitting next to me. This is what it contained.):

PART ONE

I opened the door. Jingo's house was a mess of a home, but I guess you could say that Jingo is a mess of a man. Dark places for dark souls.

"What the hell do you want?", Jingo asked.

I threw my goods at him and glared.

"Hmm... antibiotics, Ibuprofen nothing really- OH SHIT!"

"What?"

"Hydrocodone", he said, "Do you know what this shit does to you?"

"Nothing."

"READ THE GODDAMN LABEL", he said as he threw the bottle back at me.

"Take one OR TWO tablets for pain..."(emphasis added)

I felt like I'd just been sold a one-way ticket to the Palookaville Snipe Hunt, and my pants were still on. I took two of the Hydrocodone, and felt tired. And collapsed.

***

There I was, in my bed, using my laptop. But I could feel it changing. The laptop was starting to move. And grow hair. What had once been my laptop was now a gigantic, hairy, blond lobster.

And it wanted to eat me.

To me, at least it was gigantic. You see, I was only two feet tall.

I tried to run, but it had me cornered at the top of the stairs. It pushed me back. And I fell.

***

The skies were clear. Fine weather for sailing. A beautiful silver yacht rocked gently in a white, sandy, harbor.

You know how they say that in a falling dream, you always wake up before hitting the ground?

Bullshit.

IT HURTS.

I slammed right through the deck of that yacht, and landed inside of it. I was immediately restrained.

I heard a pendulum. With a razor at the end of it.

The blade sliced my neck thin, like a deli ham, leaving only a bit of flesh connected before moving up to the next part of the neck. I thought I was done for when I heard little footsteps.

All around they whispered in a chant:

"Soylent Green is people. Soylent Green is people. SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE!"

And they cut me free.

***

There I was, in the dark bowels of a luxury yacht. My neck had been spiral sliced, with my head flopping atop it as if it were a slinky. My only allies were a dozen or so cannibalistic children, armed with butcher knives. I needed answers.

"Thanks for rescuing me", I said.

"Soylent Green is people.", The Children replied.

"Yes, but... well, it was very kind of you all to save me, but why?"

"Soylent Green is people."

"Oh."

I don't think they knew how to say anything else.

I motioned to them to follow me.

They did.

I charged up the stairs.

They didn't.

Afraid of the light.

Reinforcements are important, but I didn't feel like introducing an armed, indoctrinated band of kids to the sun just yet.

I went atop the yacht alone.

***

I went to the top of the yacht.

There she was: Venus of Vicodin.

The most beautiful woman I'd ever seen.

She walked up to me. And smiled.

She beat me to death with a hickory pole and threw me overboard.

My corpse was food for the Hairy Laptop Lobsters.

- Resting In Pieces,

Fidel Dutch

Fear and Loathing at The Oral Surgeon, Part One

2011-12-09T17:27:00.001-05:00

-Not Rudyard Kipling

I had just been strapped in the chair when the drugs began to kick in.

It was my first time under the knife. My legs were twitching like an electrified chipmunk. Some huffs of laughing gas cleared that up. It smelled disgustingly sweet, almost like a marshmallow's diarrhea. I didn't have time to focus on that, because soon after the surgeon came in. An older man, seemed like one of those Nixon-Nazis, but I didn't care because pretty soon he was injected an IV of liquid sleep into my hand. It felt cold. I thought my death was certain. With my last breaths, I had enough strength to shout, "I REGRET NOTHING!", before succumbing to the sedation.

I blinked. My face felt different. An hour had passed. "All done", some voice said. Couldn't see who. Next thing I knew, I was in a recovery bed. I don't know how I got there. Nobody carried me, and I didn't walk. I suspect levitation. Got handed a mirror. My face WAS different. My lips had swollen, and my jaw had gone from plump to positively Brandovian. I tried to talk, but my entire face was paralyzed. A nurse walked in.

She gave me bottles and bottles of drugs. Along with my wisdom teeth. I liked the drugs more, but now was no time to be picky. She explained to be how to take the drugs. I couldn't listen. Thoughts raced through my mind. Why the Hell did I get sent here? Where did that narwhal come from? Is that bastard Nixon behind this?

I told my brain to take a break. I had to say something. She handed me the drugs, and all I managed to say was "You come to be on the day of my daughter's wedding..." before something else caught my attention.

FISH.

GODDAMN FISH.

EVERYWHERE.

COMING RIGHT FOR ME.

I had to move fast. I lunged across the room, pushing the nurse aside, as I grabbed one of those silver trays that they use to hold teeth and those Nixon obedience chips that they put in. I bashed the tray at all the fish I could, but it was no use. I saw my reflection in the tray, my swollen, piscine lips, and I realized something:

I WAS A FISH.

There was no time to lose. I lunged out the window and into the snow. The ice would keep me fresh for a few days, but I had no strength. I knew that bastard Nixon was sapping it.

I needed to take inventory.

I had one bottle of Ibuprofen, one bottle of antibiotics, a bottle of anti-nausea, a bottle of Hitacortizone, an AR-15, 270 rounds of ammo, and an egg nog shake.

Not enough for a goddamned slow evening in Utah.

But I knew where to get some more.

***

I rang the doorbell.

Gunshots rang out.

I knew I was in the right place.

"Jingo, it's me, Fidel Dutch". Dr. Jingo was a bellicose, pugnacious, shaved gorilla of a man. I've seen him sell everything, from Vicodin to the Pope's shit, and that's on a slow day.

"Oh.", said a voice from behind the swiss-chesse of a door, "come in."

PART TWO

Thanks

2011-11-16T19:42:00.001-05:00

I've been blogging for over a year now, and I have to say what I'm thankful for now, because in a few hours, I'll have too much food in me to blog:

*The Second Amendment.

* Occupy Wall Street. Remember what happened in November of 1968?

* All of the American fighting men and women out there who allow me to blog by putting their lives on the line every day.

* The Eurozone crisis. I don't like watching civilizations collapse, but there's nothing good on TV.

*My angry, bellicose, dysfunctional family. Well, the ones in my family who make Thanksgiving dinner.

* Being alive in America. The fact that I live in a country where I can make money blogging astounds me. Sure, it isn't much money, in fact, I'm working for about four cents an hour on this blog, but still. Wow.

* Barack Obama, Eric Holder, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, and Steven Chu. They're giving America its Socialism Inoculation for this century, like Franklin Roosevelt.

*The indignant American Left. I really hope they manage to split the ticket.

* Ron Paul and his supporters. If there were anybody so loony to isolationism look bad, it's them.

* All of my blog readers and Twitter followers- oh, wait. No, you all can rot. Remember, FOUR CENTS AN HOUR!

* All th e b lo g g e r s , T w i t te re r s , a n d w e b c ar t o o nis t s whose "work" I check incessantly(Seriously, click on every one of those links. You won't be disappointed)

* Mostly, I'm thankful for the food. SO MUCH FOOD.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

We've Got a Little List

2011-11-02T19:25:00.000-04:00

There are five Rogue States left, and two may not stay for long.

A Rogue State is defined as a nation that abuses its citizens AND presents a threat to the global community. 10 years ago, there were eight Rogue States: Cuba, Iraq, Iran, Libya, Syria, Afghanistan, Sudan, and North Korea. Iraq, Afghanistan, and Libya have been removed from the list after American(among others) military intervention. This leaves us with five: Syria, Sudan, Iran, North Korea, and Cuba.

Or left us with those five, until ol' Bibi announced that he is courting the idea of a strike on Iran. I support the idea of a strike on Iran wholeheartedly, especially if it's Israel doing the striking(we've got enough debt as it is.) That being said, perhaps Israel can kill two birds with one stone if an attack on Iran provokes a reaction from Syria.

Syria is, as you all should know, Iran's biggest ally in the Middle East. They are also murdering their citizens by the thousands in an attempt to squash a revolt. Al-Asad, the Syrian President, is too weak to scratch Israel. However, wars are an excellent way for a tinpot despot facing internal strife to attempt to unify his people(see: The Falklands War). That's right: Al-Asad is just crazy enough to attack Israel, even if he knows he will probably lose.(see: Jordan, The Six Day War)

Or Israel could attack Syria preemptively. To be honest, a lot of people in the Western World have wanted to take out Syria for some time, but with the lack of organized resistance to Al-Assad's government, that's not going to happen. Or rather, it's not going to happen explicitly. But if a war broke out, and Israel was forced to bomb Al-Assad and his generals until they were piles of hamburger, hey, that's war.

This hypothetical strike against both Iran and Syria would also remind the new Arab Spring governments that Israel means business, and will not hesitate to destroy their enemies in the most horrifying manner imaginable. We then won't have to worry about anti-Western Arab states for the next few years, because they will be dead, in hiding, or surrendering.

If Israel is willing to bomb Iran and Syria into submission, we can have Peace For Our Time, and cross a few more names off the docket.

LeMay 2012: Kill It With Fire

2011-10-23T12:04:00.000-04:00

By Curtis LeMay

Hello again, America. I'm sure you all remember me, Curtis LeMay: General and professional foreigner bomber, I learned the one true weakness of the Japanese: Fire, and used it to help win World War Two. After that, I headed the Berlin Airlift, but was dismayed when I learned that we would be dropping food on the Berliners. I told Truman that if we were dropping food on Germans, we "might as well lay down our arms and become Communists." Truman then told me that World War Two had been over for three years, and that some Germans were now our friends. I told him not to trust the Germans, but he reminded me that only SOME Germans were our friends. Eventually, we settled on a compromise: We would drop food on the "good" Germans, but I was allowed a flamethrower and 48 hours of access to the "bad" Germans. That was neat, but it turned out that the bad Germans were really puppets of the Ruskies, and they used their Commie sorcery to prevent knowledge of my rampage from leaking out. I was forced to retire from the Air Force in 1965, after I suspected that poltroon Johnson of being a Commie spy, and set him on fire just to be sure. I then ran as Vice President in 1968 under George Wallace. I just want to make it clear that I do not now or ever did support segregation, and only ran with Wallace because he told be that there was a new war going on, and promised to provide me with the location of the war and napalm if I would be his running mate. The dumb pinko bamboozled me, and would not tell me the location of the war, and, worse, he later became a Democrat. I vowed that I would see him destroyed. One day, I tried killing him, but I left my napalm at home, so I tried shooting him. I missed, and then framed the whole thing on a dumb leftie. I later quietly murdered him in his sleep, and replaced him with a body double, who was a kind Born-again Christian. I later died in 1990. I was resurrected by Dark Sorcerer Karl Rove shortly before the 2010 Midterms, where I inhabited the body of a Predator Drone. Since then, I've been biding my time, analyzing politics. After keeping up with politics, I have determined that there is no "perfect" GOP candidate in the race for 2012.

What does all this mean? Well, seeing as there is no perfect GOP candidate, I seek to provide one for America. That's right, I am formally announcing my candidacy for the Republican Nomination for President in 2012. Why? Because there are many people out there, some of whom are not being bombed. In light of this, I would like to clarify my position on certain issues:

Deficit Spending: If the Congress cannot balance the United States' budget, I promise to have to Capitol razed, and replace with an eternal flame. This flame will be a monument to fire, the greatest gift of God.

Gays in the Military: I am in favor of gays serving openly in the military, but only if they are flaming homosexuals. I promise to weaponize these flaming homosexuals, and drop them on our enemies.

Occupy Wall Street: Their flaming corpses will keep New York warm through the winter.

Libya: I supported bombing Qaddafi, and I support bombing the new government if they so much as look at us funny. Essentially, my foreign policy can be summed up as, "Everything is okay in the end. If everything isn't okay, keep lighting things on fire."

Taxes: 15% flat tax on everybody. Duh.

Other countries: As president, I promise to bomb and burn all other countries back into the stone age, except for Israel, who I expect to help us in bombing and burning the other countries. After all but the only two important nations of the world have been reduced to rubble or ash, the globe can unite in world peace.

Americans, remember that Curtis LeMay is a candidate for peace. And, to put a twist on Vegetius, "If you want peace, prepare for war. If you don't want peace, prepare for napalm."

A Totally Psychotic Plan For America

2011-09-29T21:32:00.000-04:00

Thomas Jefferson said that America should have a new Constitution drafted every ten years or so. We are seriously overdue. Many people have brought up reasonable, logical, ways of altering our political system. But who needs them?

My plan to reorganize America is that America should be organized in a system similar to that of Feudal Japan, or, rather, my Kurosawa-tinted misunerstandings of Feudal Japan. Without furter ado, here are the changes to be mad in the Ronin Plan For a Brighter America:

1. Congress and the Supreme Court are to be replaced by wandering bands of Ronin, bound by Honor to protect the weak, and liberate towns from evil ninjas. These Ronin Congressmen will be forced to walk the Earth, or at least, walk the America. They will be allowed to convene only for two weeks every two years. And the best part is, if they lose reelection or pass a bad bill, they are forced by Honor to commit seppuku.

(Pictured: The 113th US Congress, Left, The Next Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, Right)

2. Power will be split between two people, The President, who will rule from Washington, DC, will handle matters of war and foreign policy. He will be Curtis LeMay within the body of a Predator Drone. Curtis will be too busy burning foreigners to do stupid things, like giving guns to drug cartels, spending trillions of dollars, or not burning foreigners. He will share power with the Emperor, who will be largely a figure head, but still have some control over domestic policy. For the Emperor, we need somebody, frank, who doesn't want to be president, and is fat enough to be royalty: Chris Christie. He will rule from the Imperial Capital of the United States, Hillsdale, Michigan.

3. Canada and Mexico will be annexed. 'Nuff said.

4. While states will still exist, and elect their own governors and whatnot, they will be superseded by regional warlords. Here is a helpful map:

Here's a breakdown of the Warlord Districts:

1. Alaska, minus the panhandle and Anchorage, but plus some of the Canadian Arctic, go to Sarah Palin. She needs to finish her term as governor there.

2. British Columbia, Alberta, Montana, Idaho, Wyoming, and the Dakotas will go to me. Why? Because for deciding the future of our nation, I deserve at least something. Also, because its's beautiful, good hunting land, and I have access to our ICBM's in the Dakotas.

3. Quebec, Newfoundland, and some of the Canadian Arctic will go to John Bolton. I want to see him beat up French people and Newfies, and the Arctic Islands will provide him with a staging ground for incursions into Europe and parts of Russia.

4. Buzz Aldrin gets all of the Great Lakes region and access to Hudson Bay. He will use his windows to the sea so that he may go into space and kill evil alien for'ners for us.

5. David Petraeus will be given the Pacific Coast to keep the hippies in line, and the Pacific Islands, so that he may use them to intimidate the Chinese.

6. Stanley McChrystal will be given Arizona, New Mexico and the Sonoran Desert. He'll use the desert to train soldiers to kill for'ners in forn' climates.

7. Rick Perry will be given Texas, Oklahoma, and most of Mexico. Do I even need to explain why.

8. Ron Paul will be given Chiapas, Mexico, to show him that, sometimes, you just need to shoot terrorists in the head.

9. Mitt Romney gets Utah, Colorado, and Nevada. Because I like throwing squeaky-clean Mormons, Aspen hippies, and Las Vegas into the same jurisdiction.

10. Michelle Bachmann gets some unimportant parts of the country. Pretty hard to screw up.

11. Mitch Daniels gets America's Hearland. Seems like he'll do a good job there.

12. Bobby Jindal gets most of the South, mostly because he's the only nationally recognized southern politician today.

13. Herman Cain gets the rest of the South, see Bobby Jindal.

14. Marco Rubio gets Florida and whatever Caribbean islands he manages to annex.

15. Barack Obama gets Chicago, Gary, Cleveland, and Detroit as a consolation prize for 2012.

16. Gingrich gets most of the Mid-Atlantic. Seems like he'll go a pretty good job.

17. Huntsman gets New England. Because it's boring and liberal, like him!

Haunted Robot 2012!

2011-09-27T21:10:00.000-04:00

While RL has supported Rick Perry in the past, I admit that he has his flaws, and I'd be perfectly happy with most of the GOP field being nominated(except Santorum, Huntsman, or Bachmann). That being said, maybe we need somebody who will really bring new life into this election. Yes, I'm talking about Curits LeMay.

I know what you're thinking: "Hasn't Curtis LeMay been dead for 20 years?", you bleat incoherently. Of course he has. But do you know what the Republican Party has lots of? Dark Sorcerers. The most prominent Dark Sorcerer being Karl Rove, of course. All we need to do is get Karl Rove to bring Curtis LeMay's spirit back from the dead.

Once here, the ghost of Curtis LeMay will need a corporeal body for public appearances. My proposal: A Predator Drone, with special napalm missiles. This drone will be too busy raining fire down upon our enemies to care about regulating our economy or putting us all in death panels, or selling guns to Mexican drug lords. In short, he would be the perfect president.

Selling him to the American People will be a bit of a challenge, however. Sure his campaign slogan, "Kill It With Fire" is catchy, but where does he stand on the issues? The answer: he doesn't stand, he is a flying haunted robot who is incapable of standing.

Americans, ask yourselves: are you better off now than you were four years ago? If the answer is no, please consider making a robot haunted by the spirit of Curtis "There are no innocent civilians, just different layers of ablative meat" LeMay your next President.

Raving Lunacy Podcasts!

2011-09-07T16:13:00.000-04:00

I am proud to announce that you can now have Raving Lunacy in your ears! ~~No, I'm not talking about the robotic mosquitoes I had implant propaganda-spewing nanites into your brains through you eardrums,~~ That's right, we're going to be doing a podcast!

Joining me will be a bunch of great people whom I worked on Newspaper with, and won't name right now, mostly because I'm still making sure who will be with us.

Oh, and we'll have original music by Eric Krysinski!

The first podcast should be uploaded in a few weeks. The site is here.

The Long Retreat

2011-08-15T20:59:00.000-04:00

"Since the Second World War, British History has been one long retreat." -Margaret Thatcher

For the past 65 years, the history of Europe has been a history of retreats: A retreat from their holdings, a retreat form their glory, and a retreat form their principles. Americans will not let the same things happen here.

Sixty-four years ago, the world was a different place. We, the free peoples of the Western World, had won. Fascism had been defeated. And though the looming threat of Communism remained, Western nations entered into a state of newfound prosperity. But all this came at a price. A slew of reasons caused European nations to abandon their holdings in Africa, Asia, and the Pacific. Without them, many these nations collapsed into poverty, tyranny, and disorder.

At home, a different storm was brewing. People, many of whom were the children of those who gave it all for their nations, demanded they get it all from their nations. Massive welfare states, the kind that would make Lyndon Johnson cringe, established themselves and bloated.

Over the decades, these two factors, a group of people who demanded all, and a slew of immigrants, most of whom were form the very nations these Western governments had hastily abandoned, combined, and formed a class of parasites, who resented Western culture and ideals, and yet demanded massive handouts from that culture.

It is this class that is rioting in England. These people have expected so much from their governments in the past decades that when they spent their own nations into recession and it became abundantly clear that they might not get their handouts, they rioted. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the future of Western Civilization: a group of oversized children who throw a temper tantrum when it becomes clear that they may not get their candy.

Americans, this is a warning to us all. This is our future if we do not get ourselves off this path to cultural suicide. This is the universe's way of showing us that leftism will inevitably jump off the slippery slope into poverty, totalitarianism, or both. This is our last stand. Our nation circles the drain. It may be too late for the people of Western Europe to save themselves, but it isn't too late for us. We must maintain our peaceful vigilance in the defense of our liberty.

Conservatives of the world, unite, and help to slay this demon that will destroy us all.

Things Nicola J. Fiorvento is not allowed to do in IB III

2011-07-27T19:31:00.000-04:00

76. Mr. Fiorvento is not allowed to do any of the following near next year's French-exchange students:
77. Remark how much he loves the LePen family, or the Front national.
78. Wear an "OAS" T-shirt.
79. Say "L’Algérie est française et le restera" in any context.
80. Mr Fiorvento should not be allowed near the French exchange students, period.
81. Putting freshmen in a box, and shipping them to unstable regions of the world is NOT an acceptable foreign exchange student program.
82. Laugh maniacally.
83. There is no such thing as KP Duty in this school. It is just an excuse for locking freshmen in the freezer.
84. Mr. Fiorvento may not quote: Schlock Mercenary, The Art of War, Starship Troopers, Infantry Attacks, The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries, The Prince, or The Thirty-Six Stratagems.
85. Eating chupaquesos will NOT turn you into a space mercenary.
86. Robert Heinlein is NOT a deity in any religion. Neither is William F. Buckley.
87. We are not being insensitive for pointing that out.
88. Mr. Fiorvento may NOT make any odd references to "ZION".
89. Complain that green tea tastes like urine.
90. Write lists when he should be doing his EE.

Debt Crisis: Child’s play

2011-07-25T22:08:00.000-04:00

by Troy Zuccaro

Right before the Obama and Boehner speeches tonight, I’m thinking about how simple of a problem the debt limit should be. In fact, it’s so easy a child can do it. Which, sadly, makes me wonder why our congressmen haven’t solved it yet.

Consider the scenario of a young kid. This kid gets, say, $5.00 in allowance every week. And he can spend it however he pleases. If he decides to spend all 5 dollars on candy, he has no money left to buy, say, a video game. So the child quickly learns to budget his money wisely and stop wasting money on things he doesn’t need. More importantly, he learns that money has value, and that his $5 a week allowance won’t be enough to buy a $50,000 car which he can’t even drive properly.

What strikes me as disgusting, though, is that if acting like a child would solve our problems, it’d already have been done. The first bill that this House of Representatives passed was to repeal Obamacare. Boehner and the GOP thought it would kill jobs. So they named the bill the “Repealing the Job-Killing Healthcare Act”. As if insulting the President would make them any more right. So of course no one will cooperate with them, creating the tension we see tonight.

Name-calling. Childish. So, I have with me a translation guide, translating from what our congressmen say to what they really mean:

Said	Meant
Boehner: “…job-killing act…”	“MEANY-FACE!”
Obama: “The previous administration…”	“BUT HE STARTED IT!!!”
Reid: “This is the worst piece of legislation…”	“YOU’RE A POOPY HEAD!”
Boehner: (starts to cry) “WAAAAAAAAAHHH!”	“WAAAAAAAAAHHH!”
Obama: “Don’t make me call my bluff”	“I’M TELLING!!!! MOM!!!!!!!!”

In a republic, it’s the people’s responsibility to control the government. These children we have elected are misbehaving. And what do we do to the misbehaving children?

We give them a damn well-deserved spanking in 2012. We need to remove the “bad influences” that they have. We need to take away their “privileges”.

A smart child, like in the first example, would be able to balance a budget. He knows he can’t spend his small income on big items or programs, like in the example. So our congress is not like a bunch of children. It’s like a bunch of dumb, spoiled, rotten children.

And if you think that’s just name-calling, well, then maybe I oughta run for Congress.

More Things Nicola James Fiorvento is not allowed to do in IB:

2011-07-03T21:10:00.000-04:00

51. Call the head of Key Club Grand Wizard, Der Fuerher, Big Brother, or any other title associated with dystopias, dictatorships, or terrorist groups.
52. Wax nostalgic for his time as a Contra.
53. Say that he is a "Magnificent Bastard".
54. Run through the cafeteria screaming, "BOSCO STICKS ARE PEOPLE! THEY'RE PEOPLE I TELL YOU!"
55. Demand to be called Dr. Jingo, Captain Insano, or Sir Duchess Randolph Winfield Scott Deborah Jones the Negative Tenth.
56. Point out the TV Tropes in everything.
57. Pretend to ride "the bomb" ala Slim Pickens.
58. Whatever he's done in Fallout does NOT count as a "heroic effort."
59. Start a new religion.
60. Mr. Fiorvento is not, and never has been: a lawyer, justice of the peace, relationship counselor, mercenary, CEO, dictator of a small Central American nation, Contra, nuclear technician, or dentist.
61. Hold a small nation hostage.
62. Invade Canada.
63. Trade his textbooks for: freshmen, Heritage students, fast food, or home appliances.
64. "Napalm Sticks to Squirrels" is NOT a motivational slogan.
65. Bring in his"Napalm Sticks to Squirrels" motivational poster.
66. Mention napalm in any way, shape, or form.
67. Tell people the story of Joshua Graham as fact, and say that "it was called the Graham Canyon, but it got changed to the Grand Canyon."
68. Dress up as Joshua Graham, Vulpes Incluta, a Veteran Ranger, or any character from any of the Fallout games.
69. Become enraged when anybody giggles at this number.
70. One of the IB learner profile traits is not "Kill 'em all and let God sort 'em out."
71. Quote Curtis LeMay about anything.
72. Demand to be venerated as a deity.
73. Capture a wild fox, name him Erwin, and bring him to school.
74. Erwin is not his seeing eye fox. There is no such thing as a seeing eye fox.
75.Compile his bouts of lunacy into lists.

A Day in the Conservative Life

2011-06-30T21:33:00.000-04:00

According to people close to him, at the end of his life, John Lennon was a closet Republican. Now, this means that I can't make fun of Troy anymore, for how he likes "hippy music", and that I can listen to The Beatles without having to strangle myself, but it makes us wonder: What would his music have been like if Lennon had realized The Truth sooner?

I watched the news today oh boy
About a man who caught America's wrath
And though Chris Mathews got rather mad
Well I just had to laugh
'cause they didn't release photographs
SEALS blew his mind out from afar
He didn't notice that the fight had changed
A crowd of Pakistanis stood and stared
They'd seen his face before
Well, I'm pretty sure
He isn't gonna meet his "Lord".

I heard a speech today oh boy
The US Army had almost won the war
And Obama wants us to go away
but we just have to stay
and turn those bastards into fillet

I read the news today oh boy
Twenty five million unemployed
And though it's not all Obama's fault
He's gonna make us soon default
Now they know how many morons it takes to fill Congress's Halls.

A History of the Future, Part I

2011-06-29T20:51:00.000-04:00

The oracle monkeys are up and running again. The only difference now is that their predictions make sense.

Jan 2012: The "European Spring" erupts. There is massive fighting in the streets of Greece, Ireland, France, Spain, Portugal, and Italy as their economies fully collapse. Fighting is between the pro EU International Socialists and the anti EU National Socialists.

Feb 2012: Russian President Dimitry Medvedev announces that he will run for president of Russia against Putin. Putin starts civil war.

Feb 2102: As the drug war in Mexico escalates, US troops are sent in to intervene.

Mar 2012: The "European Spring" ends. National socialist governments are in place in France and Spain. The international government in Greece survived, just barely, before being purchased by Turkey. Italy has balkanized. Germany withdraws from the EU and forms the "European Commonwealth", a single republic consisting of loosely connected states, including Germany, Denmark, Austria, and the Netherlands. Their common currency is the Mark. The UK just barely escapes most of the fighting. PM Hannan says to Europe: "Piss off."

Mar 2012: US bombers "accidentally" destroy all Mexican government buildings, killing President No Corrupto and the Mexican "No cocaine here" Congress. The Mexican government is replaced by a US Provisional Government.

Apr 2012: If Mexico were still a nation, it would be the happiest in the world.

Apr 2012: Finland and Estonia unite to fight the "Russian Menace". Taking advantange of the Civil War, the Finnish-Estonian Commonwealth quickly seizes all Russian land between Finland and Estonia.

May 2012: Drug rebels in Mexico retreat to Chiapas. US approves use of Agent Orange and napalm in Chiapas.

Jun 2012: Disgusted by Barack Obama's use of Agent Orange in Mexico, US President Barack Obama resigns in disgust. During his inauguration, President Biden wears a halibut on his head while complaining of elves. He is quietly put down.

Jul 2012: US President John Boehner announces that he will not stand in the way of GOP Nominee Chris Christie's presidential campaign.

Aug 27, 2012: V-M Day.

Nov 2012: Quebec secedes from Canada. Said PM Harper, "Meh."

Nov 2012: Chris Christie is elected President of the United States. Union members flee to Canada. Canada puts feathers in their hair and sticks them in a reservation. Nobody cares.

Feb 2013: With American "encouragement", British Columbia, Alberta, Saskatchewan, and the Yukon and Northwest Territories form the "Free State of West Canada". Steven Harper is made President.

Jun 2013: Canada descends into open despotism. Said PM Crazycanadiannationalist: "Damn Yanks! They suck because they're better than everybody else!"

Jul 14, 2013: US President Christie announces that the US will leave the UN.

Jul 15, 2013: The UN collapses. Nobody cares.

Aug 2013: The states of Alberta, Columbia, and Saskatoon are admitted to the Union.

Nov 2013: Canada declares war on the US and Quebec. Like many nations, the US vows to have the war "over by Christmas". Unlike other nations, they're right.

Dec 2013: Quebec, devastated by war, asks to join the US. President Christie says, "Okay, but y'all better learn to speak English or we'll have you deported to Chiapas just so we can napalm them again."

Jan 1, 2014: US Citizenship is granted to all remaining Canadians, except the odd tribe of Aflcioiftseiuuawiwwctwneamlbpanflpawgasag. Said President Christie, "I wouldn't say the only good Aflcioiftseiuuawiwwctwneamlbpanflpawgasager is a dead Aflcioiftseiuuawiwwctwneamlbpanflpawgasager, but nine out of ten of them are, and I won't inquire too closely into the case of the tenth."

May 2014: Czar Putin announces victory in the Russian Civil War, but at a high cost. The war destroyed Russian infrastructure all over the nation. Also, their nuclear weapons mysteriously disappears.

Jun 2014: Iran launches nukes at Israel. None hit. Israel responds with nukes that do. The resulting Six Minute War sees Israel in control of Lebanon, the Sinai Peninsula, the Gaza Strip, Jordan, Syria, and Saudi Arabia, with "Savage Reservations" (In the Israeli's own words) in Lebanon and the area surrounding Mecca. Nobody cares. Well, the only people who would care are dead, or will be soon.

Jul 2014: The Shah is put back in control of the Nuclear Territory.

TO BE CONTINUED

Yay Freedom!

2011-06-27T20:09:00.000-04:00

Well, the Supreme Court voted in favor of freedom today. I'm preety happy with the 7-2 decision, but I'm scratching my head on why Clarence Thomas voted in favor of the ban. Perhaps it is time that Justice Thomas "retires".

I'm joking, of course. I'm sure Thomas had a good reason for promoting tyranny, because, he is after all, Clarence Thomas. Today we see that no matter how any idiots are in charge of states, the Supreme Court may weed out some of their asinine ramblings.

This is why we need to get Obama out in 2012. I don't care if we put Rino McFakerepublican in office, this country cannot stand another 4 years of Obama's judicial appointments. We can ward off the tide of stupidity now. But what about in 2016? No telling how many justices will need replacing between now and then. Even 2 more will destroy the usual refreshing sanity from our highest court. And that's why we need to make Herman Cain president. He promised he wouldn't beat me with his shillelagh if I saidAUGGGGH!

"You have just been Herman Cained!"

Nice Job Breaking It, Hero

2011-06-24T12:40:00.000-04:00

The House has voted against military operations in Libya. What the Hell? We put Republicans in the House, why are they acting like pansyass liberals? Sorry for my rage, but don't people understand that dropping bombs on Mummar Qaddafi=good? We don't need the excuse of "aiding the rebels", we shouldn't have to have an excuse. We're America!

I know that many of the rebels could be linked to al-Qaeda. And you know what? It's too bad they can't both lose, as Kissinger said of the Iran-Iraq War. The point isn't about the rebels. The point is that Mummar Qaddafi is being bombed. And that's a good thing. We need to bomb despots more often.

Here's the problem with libertarians, one of the reasons I am ever more hasty to call myself a libertarian: none of them have a coherent idea of foreign policy. Liberals believe that foreign policy works like magic, but even that magic abides by the rules of the fictional universe it is in. Most libertarians, like Ron Paul and Gary Johnson, are so far out there in foreign policy that you can't even understand their reasoning, because there is none.

The problem is that while many libertarians claim to be in favor of a less intrusive government, they support tyrannical regimes worldwide. A government cannot be truly in favor of liberty if it supports foreign despotism. That's what the Tea Party Congress fails to understand. Somewhere along the way, libertarians went from believing that intursive government=bad, to believing that even military operations against intrusive governments are bad. It's a Catch-22.

And you know what? If the al-Qaeda faction of rebels takes power in Libya we should bomb them too. We have too many missiles, so let's reduce the size of our stockpile of missiles by dropping them on for'ners.

Peter and Petraeus

2011-06-23T17:04:00.000-04:00

Petraeus is going to be the next head of the CIA. This could be a reverse example of the Peter Principle: his talents will probably be wasted in the CIA. General James Mattis looks set to replace him in Afganistan. Mattis has said, and I quote: "You go into Afghanistan, you got guys who slap women around for five years because they didn't wear a veil. You know, guys like that ain't got no manhood left anyway. So it's a hell of a lot of fun to shoot them. Actually, it's a lot of fun to fight. You know, it's a hell of a hoot. It's fun to shoot some people. I'll be right upfront with you, I like brawling." I don't think we have to worry about General Mattis not living up to his predecessor.

2012 Senate Predictions, Updated

2011-06-22T20:19:00.000-04:00

Just going to explain some of the Toss Ups-

For Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Ohio, and New Jersey, the results depend on how much The Stupids(My new nickname for independents) are swayed by the unions. This is their last stand. Unions are either dying, or in some places, dead. They just cannot exist in a nation that hopes to be competitive in this age. Those in the private sector are almost gone, what matters is the public sector. In the private sector, unions have credibility. Collective bargaining through unions in the private sector leads to negotiations between two equal parties, the workers and the employers. In the public sector, there are three sides: The unions and their workers, the politicians and the taxpayers. The unions use their campaign donations to win the politicians over, so they can make more laws against the taxpayer. When a public sector union is striking, they are striking against you. Because most public sector union workers pay taxes, this leads to the hilarious situation of taxpayers striking to get more money from themselves, a Marxian dialectical contradiction. (Yes, Marxian. Hegelian dialects are something very different.) So the unions have to scream, or taxpayers will realize the unions they sheepishly support are rallying to take away their money, or union workers will realize that they want to reduce their incomes to increase their incomes. Because of this, unionized screaming will drown out what little reason we have in elections. If you want to know the fate of collective screaming, look across the Atlantic 70 years ago. Wow. I just went off on a rant, so final verdict: expect heated rhetoric that will effect the elections, but be comforted by the fact that these are the last screams of a dying madman.

Oh, and one more thing: Republicans NEED to explain entitlement reform to The Stupids. If I ran a scheme like Social Security, I would go to Federal Prison for decades. It's a Ponzi Scheme. People today have a choice: collect Social Security, or not bankrupt America. The choice is up to them, but its up to Paul Ryan and the rest of us to let The Stupids know that Social Security will destroy the US faster than any other threat.

Things Nicola J. Fiorvento is not allowed to do in IB:

2011-06-22T19:13:00.000-04:00

...but does anyway
1. Give the freshmen mostly redacted US Military documents for T4ing.
2. "Bellamy Salute" the Key Club.
3. Call the Nazi salute the "Bellamy Salute".
4. Bring a gas mask to school.
5. Use Axe as a chemical weapon.
6. Make freshmen carry his backpack.
7. Make freshmen carry his locker.
8. Critique the bathroom graffiti.
9. Give the freshmen mostly redacted Russian Military documents for T4ing.
10. Make up and analyze characters in an English Socratic Circle, and then berate his classmates for not really reading the book.
11. Tell Heritage students that Joseph McCarthy was the first Communist Prime Minister of Canada and that he invented flip flops.
12. Call freshmen his "droogs".
13. Ask freshmen to engage in "ultraviolence".
14. Sing, whistle, or hum "Der Fuerher's Face", "The Hymn of the Soviet Union", or "Deutschlandlied" in reference to Key Club.

15. Shout "BB!" or "Death to Goldstein" while running into Key Club meetings.

16. Tell freshmen that he was only five years old when entering IB, and that he is only still here for the dental insurance.

17. Tell freshmen that Seniors get dental insurance.

18. Dress up like Gunnery Sergeant Hartman from "Full Metal Jacket" and yell at the freshmen while referring to himself as the "Senior Drill Instructor"

19. Make freshmen do pushups.

20. Make freshmen read William F. Buckley as fast as they can aloud.

21. Make freshmen do pushups while reading William F. Buckley as fast as they can aloud.

22. Tell the freshmen that they have to do an impromptu precis of "Atlas Shrugged as their final exam.

23. Tell freshmen that "The Catcher in the Rye" is an extended metaphor for the rise of Communism in Cuba.

24. Tell Mr. Spear that "Robert Heinlein could kick JD Salinger's butt", ~~even though it's true.~~

25. Wear surplus military uniforms.

26. Have violent flashbacks to Quiz Bowl games.

27. Ask a teacher if they can watch "Pulp Fiction".

28. Riff the Textbooks.

29. Recite William Henry Harrison's inaugural address in History class.

30. Tell people that they're lucky he "forgot his strangling gloves at home today".

31. Bring his "strangling gloves" to school.

32. Show off his collection of salted squirrel tails.

33. Describe in graphic detail how to salt a squirrel tail.

34. Bring his laptop in and play video games in class.

35. Pretend to be a Nigerian Prince who will gladly give freshmen 100,000 dollars in exchange for 1,000 dollars in "goodwill money".

36. Secede from the houses, and form his own.

37. Ask people if they will join "Patton House".

38. Pay for lunches in "Ruritanian Pounds".

39. Ask anybody with an iPod out "Why are you watching gay porn?" in a screaming voice.

40. Make freshmen watch "Cannibal Holocaust".

41. Give freshmen the Ludvico Technique.

42. Scream "42!" whenever the number is mentioned.

43. Remark how much he loves the smell of Napalm in the morning.

44. Reenact the Sanford Prison Experiment on the freshmen.

45. Declare a fatwa.

46. Make mustard gas with the cafeteria's condiments.

47. Crucify insects.

48. Crash Key Club's District Conventions.

49. Pretend to be "Grand Marshal of Key Club" at events for free food.

50. Answer every question with "Jesus" or "Joe Biden" in Quiz Bowl.

Dr. Oddlust- Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Biden, Part III

2011-06-18T11:16:00.000-04:00

PART II

"Sir, please come out of the Oval Office. Or at least unlock the door.", Jay Carney pleaded.
"If youse aren'ts coming outs, I'll haves to gets Big Vinny tos axes this doors opens", Chief of Staff William Daley said, carefully considering it. "I'm not leaving this room. At least not for a week or so. I had one of those General dudes get me some MREs, and there's plenty of water." "What about the bathroom?", Carney asked. "Had a toilet installed in the chair by the Resolute Desk, first thing I did when I got here. Look, I've waited 13 years for Duke Nukem Forever, and nobody, not you, not Big Vinny, not a war in Libya is going to screw this up!". "All the reviewers say the game is crap anyways. I heard it is a bunch of immature, pander to idiot teenager garbage that would make Duke Nukem from the 1990's cry, if he could." Vice President John Henry Eden wheeled himself into the hallway. "How can you move by yourself?", Carney asked. "I got that nice Dr. Oddlust to install a motor onto my cart. What seems to be the problem here?" "Thes presidents is stucks in the Ovals Office, the door to which wes is currently overlooking.", Daley replied. ""Oh, my,", said Eden, "It appears that the President is incapacitated. Therefore, I must assume the duties of Commander-in-Chief." "In that case, I need more whiskey.", Carney said as he left.
***
Lieutenant [REDACTED]'s phone rang at [REDACTED] Naval Base. The Lt. answered it. "Hello?" "Ah, it's good to hear you, Lieutenant. This is acting President Eden speaking." "Hello, sir", [REDACTED] quickly said as he stood upright and saluted, "What is it, Mr. President? Is there another Bin Laden you want me and the rest of Team Six to shoot in the head?" "Yes and no, Lieutenant. While your teammates all performed admirably, it was you who pulled the trigger that May morning in Pakistan, is that correct?" "Yes, sir!", [REDACTED] replied. "That's what I like to hear. Let's get down to brass tacks, shall we? As you know, Col. Mommar Qadaffi is defiantly not being exploded in Libya by our Tomahawk missiles. I need you-and you alone-to go to Libya and show this "Colonel" how America handles its enemies. Could you do that for me, Lieutenant?" "Sir, yes sir!", the Lt. replied.
***
"You launched an invasion of Libya?", Press Secretary Carney screamed nervously at the Acting President. "I hardly think you can call one Navy SEAL and invasion." Carney just stared at him. "Okay, well, yes, an invasion." "How am I going to explain this to the press?" "That's not my problem, Jay." Jay reflected on his problems, as usual, through tears and whiskey.
***
Lt. [REDACTED]'s helicopter landed just outside of Kaddaffy's(May His Spellings be Many) Compound in Tripoli. After taking care of the guards, [REDACTED] reflected briefly on the fact that noting good ever happens to people who live in compounds before going inside.

[REDACTED] swept house to house, but all he could find were 14 of Qadaffi's unimportant sons. Just before killing the last one, [REDACTED] told him, "I thought this was 'Qadaffi's Compund'." "No, no, no," Wafer-al-Sunflower Nuts Qaddaffi said, "This is 'Qadaffis Compound', as in compound of Qadaffis." "Oh", the Lt. said as he shot Wafer in the face.

Lieutenant [REDACTED] called for the helicopter to pick him up. "Talon, this is Bozar. Requesting immediate Apache Abduction." "We're coming. Also, stop making up those stupid code words." "10-4", [REDACTED] replied. "That's trucker. Now shut up or you'll have to swim back home." "That's okay, I could use the exercise.", [REDACTED] said into his radio as he dove into the Mediterranean.
***
"Was the President replaced by an insane AI from a video game who authorized an invasion of Libya?", one reporter asked Carney. Carney replied the best way he could,"Hummina hummna hummna humna hmmna hummna hummna humna..." Another reporter said, "Reports say that the Navy SEAL may have scraped his foot on a rock while killing Qaddaffi's sons. Are you ready to admit that the intervention in Libya has turned into a Vietnam-style quagmire?" "Shut up, hippy", the FOX News Correspondent said as she punched the reporter in the face. "Hummna hummna hummna ummna umm... you win!", said Carney as he ran out of the Press Room.
***
"YOU WILL NEVER PLAY THAT VIDEO GAME AGAIN!", Michelle Obama yelled as she beat her husband with his Xbox. "Okay honey, araughh!", The President screamed in pain. Carney walked in and looked at the horrifying scene before him. "Meh", said Carney. Vice President Eden and a soaked Lt. [REDACTED] walked through the battered door jam and into the Oval Office. "I hope we all learned something today", said Eden, "I learned that you can through a coup by giving the President a violent video game." "I learned how proper grammar is key to a sucessful military operation.", said [REDACTED]. "Why does yous wants to knows what I knows? Does yous wants me deads?", said Daley. "I leahred that you can whalk into a press conferenenfernces completely drumnk, and nobydy cand tell the diferednce.", said Carney. "I learndt zat ze key to vorld domination iz ze pover ahf kollektiv barganink.", said Dr. Oddlust as he held up a sign reading, "MORE COLLECTIVE BARGAINING, MORE MONKEY BRAINS." "I learned that you guys are all jerkasses.", came a voice from the ceiling. "I learned that Duke Nukem Forever is immoral and immature, isn't that right, honey?", said The President. "Yes. And I learned nothing.", said Michelle Obama. "And in the end,", said Eden, "isn't that what being an American is all about?"

THE END

Still Online

2011-06-16T19:50:00.000-04:00

As sung by Andrew Breitbart

This was a triumph.
I'm making a note here: HUGE SUCCESS.
It's hard to overstate my satisfaction.
Andrew Breitbart
I do what I must
because I can.
For the good of all of us.
Except the ones who are Dems.
But there's no sense crying over every Commie.
You just keep on pushing till they run to their mommies.
And the Democrats resign.
And you get some air time.
From the people who are still online.
I'm not even angry.
I'm being so sincere right now.
Even though you accused me
Of conspiracy.
And tore me to pieces.
And turned every piece into NPR.
As they yelled I laughed because I was right all along!
Now that's a few more lefties we have forced to resign.
Just like with Rather,
the old CBS slime.
So I'm glad I got burned.
Think of all the things we learned
'bout the liberals who are still online.
Go ahead and leave me.
I think I prefer to stay online.
Maybe you'll find someone else to help you.
Maybe Ace of Spades
THAT WAS A JOKE.
HAHA. FAT CHANCE.
Anyway, my site is great.
It's so wonderful and right.
Look at me still talking
when there's lefties to boo.
When I look out there, it makes me glad I'm not you.
I've got stories to run.
There are Democrats to be gone.
With the people who are still online.
And believe me I am still online.
I'm ruining liberals and I'm still online.
I feel FANTASTIC and I'm still online.
While you're resigning I'll be still online.
And when you're on CNN I will be still online.

Dr. Oddlust- Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Biden, Part II

2011-06-14T19:07:00.000-04:00

Part I

"Grrar!", President Obama yelled as he shook the controller furiously, "No, trollzor987, YOU'RE THE FAG!" "Mr. President", Jay Carney said as he walked into Oval Office, "I have some news regarding my mission." "'Bout time.", The President grunted, still being killed by the sniper in the respawn zone, "So, I need an update on your mission. Is Modern Warfare 3 going to have a part where you play as me and kill Bin Laden?"
"I'm not talking about that", Carney said, as he sighed his trademark sigh. "I'm talking about our plan to build a robotic replacement for Biden."

"You guys know I can hear you, right?", said a voice from the ceiling. "Yes, Joe, we know. Now stay in the attic and shut up! Some of the media might hear you!", Obama replied. "It's just that thing, where people love you and don't hide you in the attic, let's see... its a friar-no, a fusebox-no, a family! That's it! How is my family?" "I had 'em declared enemy combatants and shipped 'em to North Korea.", Obama said smiling. "Why do you tell him stuff like that?", Carney whispered. "Senile old coot. Won't remember any of it anyway. Last week I convinced him they all got lost in space on a mission to Mars, and Ricardo Montablan was holding then for ransom. Made him drop his wallet down the vent to pay it! Got 3 Amtrak tickets and some lint!" "Anyways, sir, the replacement Predator Drone was a failure. Daley got some mobsters to fly it, and it crashed into the Washington Monument." "Was the Monument destroyed?" "No, sir, the Monument is fine." "Crap. I wanted to build the Obama Monument there. It's me, holding a joystick, pwning some n00bs." "Nobody calls it that anymore, sir. Dr. Oddlust says he has a new robot Vice President ready. "Don't care. Got virtual Nazis to kill."
***
"Please welcome the Acting Vice President, *sigh* John Henry Eden.", Carney declared, as he wheeled a cart with an open laptop onstage, with what appeared to be the waves of an oscilloscope onscreen. "Hello there, darling America. This is Vice President Eden speaking.", the laptop said in a folksy voice. "Can you tell us your position on the economy?", one reporter asked."Restoring the greatest country in the world to its former glory, well, heh heh... Well, that takes time, even for the Enclave.", the rogue AI replied. The FOX News reporter shot up, "Are you another pansy liberal who's soft on America's enemies?" "The Brotherhood of Steel will fail. All those who oppose the Enclave will fail. I am Vice President John Henry Eden, and this is my pledge: No one, NO ONE will take this great nation away from me! God Bless the Enclave. God Bless America."
***
"Sir..." "Can't you see I'm in the middle of something, Carney?", Obama retorted angrily as he blew Fidel Castro's head off, "Should we have SEALS kill Qadaffi like CIA agents killed Castro?" "Sir, that's just a video game it's not historically accurate." "What? Next thing you'll be telling me that Richard Nixon didn't fight zombies at the Pentagon!" "Wow. It's kind of sad that your only historical frames of reference are Call of Duty games. Moving on, sir, the Acting Robot Vice President may be more hawkish than we like." "Why? Who is it?" "John Henry Eden from Fallout 3." "Cool!", The President screamed as he ran out of the Oval Office.
***
"So you're really President Eden?", Obama asked, with a look on his face like a kid meeting his favorite baseball player. "Indeed I am, fellow American. And you must do something for me, and for America. Take this vial of Mutated FEV and put it into Project Purity. This will kill all ghouls and mutants, like those abhorrent Brotherhood of Steel types, and bring clean water to the good, pure Americans of Washington, DC, like you, and your fellow Vault Dwellers." "Okay!", President Obama exclaimed. "Hey wait a second! That 'FEV' is my flask!" Carney interjected. "Shut up!" Obama yelled, as he left the White House.
***
In other news, President Obama was found pouring whiskey on the Lincoln Memorial. As he was led back to the White House by his handlers, he was heard muttering, "Damn Brotherhood Paladins. Wanna keep all the water clean, and not purify the wasteland and kill these muties." Said White House Press Secretary Jay Carney as he took a swig of whiskey: "You know what? Make up your own reason for why the President did this. It will make more sense than the truth."

TO BE CONTINUED

Dr. Oddlust- Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Biden

2011-06-14T14:56:00.000-04:00

"Ha Ha! What fun, having this watergun fight with my family, as I, Vice President Biden, love waterguns!", Vice President Biden exclaimed, just before a jet of water hit his neck.
"Ha Ha Ha Haaaaaaaaaaa...*bzzt* Biden-Bot V4: SERVERS CORRUPTED. INITIATING SPECIAL YODLERAMA PROTOCOL 97-A. Yoooooooooooooodellllllllayyyyyyyheeeehoooo...."
***
"Mr. President?" "Yes, what is it, Jay?", President Obama asked, not looking up from his Xbox. "The new Biden robot is yodeling again." "Damnit...", The President sighed, "How many gaffes per minute are we up to?" "38." "The real Biden never made it above 20. That robot's worse! Well, you know what to do- look at the owner's manual.", Obama said, without any hint of caring beyond slaughtering the next Nazi in Call of Duty. "You mean that monkey corpse that the mad scientist that we got to build the Biden Robot carved his contact information into?" "Yes."
***
"Hello, Dr. Oddlust, this is Press Secretary Jay Carney. The Biden Robot is malfunctioning."
"Ohh. Zat ist zstrange", a harsh German voice replied, "Haz ze Biden Rhobit been damaged en enni vay?"
"No, not really."
"Haz it been in kontakt vit enni liquids besides monkey blood, itz pover sourze?"
"Well, now that you mention it, he has been in a squirtgun fight."
"Zen I am afvraid ze varranty ist void."
"Aww shit. The President is not going to be happy. I mean, I know you have to eat, but $350,000 for a single robot? Isn't that a little extreme?"
"Iyam zo zorry, but ze prizez arh zet by ze Mad Zientist's Union", Oddlust replied with a tone of fake sympathy in his voice, "But zhere iz a plan B: Greayte a whole new Vice Prezident, a non-andrioid zat ve don''t even pretendt izt Biden! It vill not be difficult, Mein Fuerher!"
"Ohhhkay...", Carney said nervously, "But get me prototypes immediately!"
"Kahn do!... Eff Iyam not on zstrike."
"Damnit!"
***
"Ladies and gentlemen, distinguished members of the press, I would like to welcome you all to this beautiful open air conference on the National Mall" Carney announced with a solemn look on his face, "As your probably know, Vice President Biden is very ill-". A reporter stood up and quickly interjected, "No! You never told us that!" "SHUT UPSES!", screamed White House Chief of Staff William Daley, "Does yous wantses me to gets Big Vinny to breaks yous legses?" "No, sir!", the reporter quickly replied, in an attempt to cover his butt.

"As I was saying," Carney said with what little authority he had, "The Vice President is incapacitated. Therefore, I would like to introduce his acting replacement, Acting Vice President Predator Drone!"

A lone Predator Drone appeared on the horizon, wobbling in air uneasily. In an attempt to correct its flight path, it crashed into the Washington Monument, barely leaving a scratch, and plummeted to earth, destroying some hippies and a taco truck. Carney turned to Daley and yelled nervously, "What the hell? I thought you said you would find somebody in the Air Force to control it?" "I said I'ds looks for a guy to controls it, but not in these Air Forces. Theys ain't unionized!" "Who on earth did you think could fly it, then?" "A guy I knows in Chicago. Good guy, legitimate businessman. Heres, if yous don'ts believes me, looks at his card." Carney snatched the business card and read it aloud: "Legitimate Robotics, Inc.: Not a Front Since 1982." Carney sighed, "The President will not be pleased. But who needs him when I have you?", Carney said as he pulled the flask out of his jacket.

TO BE CONTINUED

In My World: GOP Debate Transcript

2011-06-13T23:10:00.000-04:00

John King: Hello, good evening, and welcome to the first official GOP Primary debate, here in sunny New Hampshire! Our candidates tonight are Newt Gingrich, Mitt Romney, Ron Paul, Michelle Bachmann, Herman Cain, and... um... others.
Pawlenty: I'm Tim Pawlenty!
Santorum: I'm Rick Santorum!
King: Sure, why not? Anyways, our first question is for Herman Cain, from Ira Q. Hick of Lower Dirtville. "Mr. Cain, what is your opinion of food safety regulations?"
Cain: Really? We're in an economic crisis and all you could think of is FOOD SAFETY REGULATIONS!?
King: Apparently.
Cain: Okayyy....Hm...wasn't expecting that one... Well, for starters-
King: Flooberdigibble!
Cain: WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?! I BELIEVE YOU JUST SAID, "I would like to be Herman Cained!". (brandishes shillelagh, leaves podium, and beats King over head with shillelagh, and walks calmly back to podium) I believe that explains my opinion of food safety.
King: Ow........Fair enough. Mr. Paul, what is your take on the intervention in Libya?
Paul: I am against our intervention in Libya because it is not back by GOLD! Everything must be backed by GOLD, just ask my economic adviser, Yukon Cornelius! Even I am backed by GOLD! (Mr. Paul removes shirt, to reveal gold spine, and then ducks). Damn flying elves! Trying to steal my GOLD! Well, Mr. Flying Elf King, I'll get you yet!(Runs backstage, cackling all the way.)
King: That ended better than expected. Mr. Romney, what do you think of President Obama cutting funds for a Martian Base?
Romney: I'm going to pretend you asked a relevant question. Well, as I've said many times before, just because I supported a healthcare system similar to Obamacare while Governor of Mas-
King: Slobberphant!
Romney: Mr. Cain, if you would be so kind?
Cain: Can I kill him this time?
Romney: Try not to, but-
Cain: I'll do what I want! (Cain proceeds to beat King with shillelagh. King stops moving, and his legs twitch. Cain, satisfied, walks towards the podium. King's body turns to dust, and a tube above the stage turns, and drops another John King into his seat.)
Cain: What kind of buttf*cking commie sorcery is this? (Cain beats seven more Kings to death, some with his shillelagh, others with Mr. Santorum's head. Eventually he grows tired and leaves.)
Santorum: I'm going to sit the rest of this out. Too much of a headache, can't think of how I am morally superior to all you heathens.
King: Just four contestants left! Who will be the winner on "The Candidate is Right?"
Pawlenty: Wait a second? You think this is a game show?
King: Ha Ha. Very funny, Mr. Pawlenty. As a leftist CNN reporter, what else could this be?
Gingrich: That would explain the giant wheel in the middle of the stage...
Romney: Game shows probably violate my religion or something. I'm out.
King: Just two contestants left! Mr. Gingrich, what do you think of Paul Ryan's Medicare Plan?
Gingrich: I wholeheartedly support it!
King: But just a few weeks ago, you rallied against it.
Gingrich: No I didn't! Unless you mean...(Gingrich looks out the window, to see a full moon. He face twitches, and he transforms. His three piece suit is repalced by an "I (Obama symbol) Obama" T- Shirt and skinny jeans. His hair grows long, forming dreadlocks. A scruffy beard sprouts on his face. Bongwater stains appear on his T- Shirt.) I love taxes! Paul Ryan is a Nazi! Hitler loved white bread! My parents hassle me! My college professor is the only one I can trust! I love spending! Ezra Klein is an intelligent and informed individual! I have no idea what net neutrality is, but is sounds like a good idea! No for oil blood!
Pawlenty: Oh God, he's a werehippy!
King: Finally, a centrist in the debate!
Pawlenty: Shut up, this is important! How do you kill a werehippy?
Cain: With Cains!!!(Herman Cain rushes back in, and proceeds to beat Mr. Gingrich with his shillelagh. Eventually, Werehippy Gingrich transforms back into his usual self)
Gingrich: Thank you, Herman! Wait, why are you still beating me? ARRRRGGGHHH! YOU CAN STOP NOW!
Cain: Don't tell me what to do! (Cain throws Mr. Gingrich into the audience, and leaves triumphantly)
King: Well, there goes the last of the candidates-
Pawlenty& Bachmann: No! We're still here!
King: Nobody asked you! Anyways, tunes in next week when-(A studio light falls, crushing Mr. King. Mr. Paul drops from the ceiling, cheering)
Paul: I knew you was the Flying Elf King by the look in yer eyes! And look-(Mr Paul removes Mr. King's shoes, and dusts them off, revealing them to be gold slippers.)
Paul: GOOOOLD! I'm rich!(Mr Paul puts on the gold slippers and dances shirtless on stage for 58 hours, before dropping dead of a heart attack.)

Spiderman Pharmacy: The Musical

2011-06-04T17:07:00.000-04:00

I was sitting in a newspaper meeting when I learned from one of the newspaper monkeys whose asinine ramblings also appear in this shamble of a paper that Johnny Karvan, lead singer and only member of Plants Solemnly Battling, had recovered from his sever case of CD-shards-in-throat-itis and would be working with Bono to bring Spiderman Pharmacy to Broadway. Upon hearing this, I knew I had to be in New York to give you all a firsthand look at it. Thinking quickly, I jumped out the window, and ran to the bus station.

The ride to New York was… interesting. Have you ever tried hiding in the gas tank of a Greyhound Bus for eight hours? Neither have I, I hid in the tires. Upon arrival in New York, I noticed a scrawny, vacant-looking teen walking into a theater. “Johnny!”, I yelled. “How have you been?” “Better now that I don’t have CD shards in by digestive tract, I guess.” “Oh, those were some fun times. Anyways, congratulations on getting a Broadway show! Was it enough to cover all of your medical costs?” “No.” “Splendid! Say, how about an interview on this new musical?” “Um… okay.”

NJF: So, how did Bono find out about your album? I mean, I was the only person ever to actually purchase it.

JK: That’s a very interesting question. Bono can answer it better than I can. Bono, would you come over here for a second, please?”

I should mention that at this point, Johnny puts on a pair of sunglasses, and begins talking in a Lucky Charms Leprechaun voice.

JK: Ahoy, matey! I am The Bono!

NJF: First of all, you are clearly Johnny Karvan, second of all, Irish stereotypes don’t say “ahoy”.

JK: You’re right! My life is a complete fraud!

Johnny then ran away, and jumped out of a ground floor window, where he plummeted to his death. Since the play had already been delayed many times due to cast injuries, creator injuries were no problem to the crew, and tonight was still opening night.

That night, I found myself seated next to two old acquaintances: Alec Baldwin and Jimmy Carter. Jimmy bankrolled the entire production, and was in fact responsible for most crew injuries. Jimmy had confused Doctor Octopus for (and I quote) “A GIANT FLOATING PEANUT MACHINE!!” and bit the actors playing him multiple times. I was feeling nervous, as I had bought a bag of peanuts to sustain myself for the play. I was just about to open them when Jimmy asked me, “Those looks likes some delicious peanutses!” I replied, “They sure do! Would you like one, Sir?” Jimmy then grabbed the whole, unopened bag of peanuts, and shoved them in his mouth. He did not swallow. He just kept them in his mouth, and he still managed to pull off that stupid grin that he does, when Alec said: “Ha ha! Silly Willy peanut head!” The mention of the word “peanut” caused the President to fly into a rage, nearly ripping off Alec’s face before he was restrained by ushers and taken to the Presidential Holding Cell. (Did you know that every Broadway theater has a specially built holding cell to be used only if a US President goes into goes into a frenzy of peanut lust? They are known in the industry as “Taft Boxes”, so named after the first President to require one.) Now deprived of legume induced goodness, I went into the concession stand to buy the only other food available: gruel. As I ate it, I noticed the similarity between this and the gruel we newspaper columnists are fed to allow us to write. As I pondered this, a blue stuffed animal and an elderly man in a neon suit with a keytar appeared beside me. “Kevin! Dr. Technopolis! Why are you guys here?” “Kevin and I are here to help you.” “Help me do what?” Just then, a group of Key Club robots, armed with water fluoridation gatling lasers, burst into the theater just as the curtains were opening. “We’re here to help you fight them!”, Technopolis exclaimed, as he handed me a pool noodle and was brandishing his keytar as a weapon. Kevin interjected, “They’re here to fluoridate New York City’s water supply!” Of course! Why didn’t I see the signs?

Kevin, Technopolis, and I fought our way to the Taft Box: Me with my pool noodle, Technopolis with his keytar, and Kevin with his eye lasers. I opened the Taft Box and untied President Carter. I shouted to him, “Those robots are here to steal your peanuts!” Carter ran into the advancing robot horde, shouting, “NO! YOU WILL NOT TAKES MY PEANUTS AWAY FROM ME!!”, biting any robot near him to pieces. Still, it wasn’t enough. Fresh reinforcements were coming in constantly. We had been cornered. I thought all was lost, and then I heard the call of the majestic flugelhorn.

A group of UAIS newspapermen, led by Kevin Teller and Zach Wrjoljokldjfoljfoldskfmfdopiolski charged into the theater. They were armed with the finest in pool noodle weapons technology: pool noodles laced with magnets, the Key Club’s natural predator. With their help, the ‘bots were driven back entirely. I thanked them for their assistance, and headed for the door, when it blew open and General Lee Oliver, commander of all NCR forces in the Mojave, and a group of Veteran Rangers walked in. The General had a big grin on his face, and said to me: “Fine bit of work you laid down there. Truth be told, I’m surprised you made it out in one piece, you and The Dam. And the screams of those Legion bast-“ And The Editor entered, and reduced Oliver and the Ranger ‘vets to ash with his bolts of electric lighting fury. And The Editor spake unto Nicola, “You have served newspaper well. Sometimes, the wrong man in the right place can make all the difference in the world, Mis-TER Fiorvento. Come, we must see to the burning of the dead.”

V-E Day, Bin Laden, and what we can learn from both

2011-05-29T12:09:00.000-04:00

More from Troy, mostly because I'm too lazy to write anything over the 4-day weekend.

On the 8^th of May, we commemorated the victory of Allied troops over the Nazis 66 years ago. We can never thank the veterans of the Second World War enough, be they American, Free French, Soviet, British, or Commonwealth, be they those who stormed the beaches on D-Day, those who defended Britain in her finest hour, or even those who worked in the factories to produce armaments for our military.

How does this apply to today? Well, like everyone else I’ve talked to, I see the utter stupidity if one were to declare May 1^st to be V-ME day. No matter how many Bin Ladens we kill, we can never kill terrorism without creating some Orwellian super-state. In looking at our accomplishments and progress in the War on Terror, we can’t really compare the two—this isn’t the same war our grandfathers fought.

But let’s take some lessons away from that war our grandfathers fought. Not from V-E at the end, but from the Blitzkrieg at the outset. Quite obviously, we’ve learned that you can’t appease your enemies and expect anything good to come from it. We’ve also learned that our enemies can be some very deranged people. And yet, though everyone would agree with these lessons, our politicians have failed to apply them to our modern war, which will forever be an impediment to achieving whatever equivalent of “victory” we can have in the Middle and Far East.

Let’s start with the easiest case: North Korea. For some crazy reason, we continue to appease North Korea, even after they commit acts of war on their southern neighbor time after time. Yes, they have nukes. But they have failed to demonstrate any capacity to use long-range weapons, even after they’ve so heavily trained their Olympic shot-putters. Furthermore, The USA has demonstrated its ability to infiltrate heavily secured areas. We could probably airlift their nukes out of their silos before the DPRK could mobilize their Flintstones-style cars to come and get us. But even if we didn’t want to use our superior military and superior technology for the good of the world, appeasement is not the solution. Chamberlain appeased Hitler, and he still invaded Poland. If we appease Kim, who knows what he’ll do. Now, just as then, our enemies are deranged. Appeasement will just give Kim more time to arm himself. And then, goodbye Seoul. Kim doesn’t care because… he is deranged. Obama should be talking to his SEALs again, saying “I’ve got another job for you.” Because if we can fight through the (previously) most wanted terrorist’s compound without any of our men sustaining so much as a scratch, there’s no harm in confronting a bunch of North Koreans armed with slingshots.

Pakistan is a little more complicated. Already a democracy, it won’t be shaken by the calls for revolution in the rest of the Middle East. However, it may be pressured to use its nuclear capabilities by its allies, who could easily turn radical through the revolutions. They are far more developed than the DPRK, so we can’t risk starting a nuclear war. We need to have the rest of the world with us in taking a very stern stance on Pakistan, like we would take against any other nation harboring terrorists. We are the USA; we can throw our weight around in order to get things done. But we cannot accept the status quo. There have been several attempted attacks, and our intelligence shows that there are more in the works. Without a doubt, we will have another 9/11 on our hands unless we take action to stop the terrorists. Because Pakistan is more developed, they aren’t in a “nothing to lose” situation like the DPRK. We thus can talk to them, but only if we take a hard-line stance on terrorism. If we appease instead of fight, then we haven’t learned our lessons from 1939.

Fun Facts

2011-04-09T20:23:00.000-04:00

Did you know that…

*Key Club World Headquarters is located in Indianapolis, IN. Magnets do not work there.

*Deep within Room 343, there is said to be a group of xenophobes who blast all who try to contact them to bits with random questions.

*If you accuse a Key Clubber of imperialism, they will be very hurt at the insult you have levied upon their club, and will, for comfort, annex a small, defenseless room. But not Room 343. WE’RE READY FOR ‘EM!

*Key Club has been accused of harboring illegal extraterrestrial aliens. Said one Key Club spokesperson, “you should not be able to read this, puny human. death to humans!”.(note to all puny humans: that last quote should have been in Wingdings, but my blog can't do that.)

*Key Clubbers may try to convince you that their club, while not having to be liked, should at least by treated with dignity and respect, even by insane newspaper columnists who are clearly joking. DO NOT ALLOW THEM TO BLIND YOU WITH THEIR LIES.

*The flugelhorn is not a real instrument. Its existence is in fact a hoax perpetrated by… you guessed it… Kevin Teller, one of UAIS Press’s music columnists. Mr. Teller could not be reached for comment, because he has been KIDNAPPED BY KEY CL- who is this “Kevin Teller” you speak of?

A Disquisition on Newspaper

2011-04-09T20:17:00.000-04:00

Often, when going about my life, when playing Fallout, or relaxing, or cooking an owl and such, I receive emails from you plebeians on how this fine monthly rag is made. The answer may surprise you.

The Topic

Before we can do anything else, the newspaper staff must pick a topic. Most of the staff goes into a room, have an honest discussion on topics, and then decide rationally on one. This is how topics are picked ideally. However, when everybody sticks to their own topic, which is what always happens, we must begin The Contest. In The Contest, the newspaper staff descends into the bowels of the school, each of us wearing a Napoleon hat made out of the ceremonial ostrich butter, with our proposed topic inscribed upon it. There we fight each other, to the point of unconsciousness, using pool noodles. The loser has his name spelled wrong in this issue(I should mention here that Zach is very bad at pool noodle fighting). After a winner is declared, Meg and Juana make a sacrifice of a goat to THE EDITOR. They decide THE EDITOR’s wishes on the topic by reading the spleen of the goat. Now, I cannot explain to you the complicated mechanics of goat spleen readings, in this short space, but it is fairly complicated, I can tell you that. After the topic is chosen, we move on to

The Writing

In the writing process, the writers are moved from our usual barbed wire cages, and put into soundproofed isolation chambers (where we are fed fine gruel), each with a TV inside. What is on the TV differs from person to person. For instance, Mike’s TV broadcasts sports, Adam must watch Ke$ha music videos(we have to keep him restrained in his chamber to prevent him from taking his life), and Zach’s TV simply says, in large flashing letters, “FRESHMIN R DUM LOLZ”. My TV shows anti Key Club propaganda, screenshots from Fallout, Spiderman musicals, and trout fishing, all while “Yakety Sax” plays in the background. After two weeks of isolation, The Muses descend upon us. The Muses are hallucinations caused by two weeks in the isolation chamber, and they are what inspire us to write our articles. Everybody’s Muses are different, and the others don’t like to speak of what comes to them in the chamber, but I can tell you who comes to me: Kevin(no relation to Mr. Teller, music columnist and flugelhorn virtuoso), who is a small, blue stuffed animal who works for Lord Lucifer(although he does do some temp work for Beelzebub and Mammon), and Dr. Technopolis, a techno “artist” who resembles Barry Goldwater(come to think of it, I’ve never seen the two in the same place at the same time…), except that he wears a neon plastic suit and has a keytar. They tell me what to write. And let me tell you something, if you think Johnny Karvan, creator of Spiderman Pharmacy is bad, you’ve never heard Dr. Technopolis go into a three day keytar riff. After a further two weeks of dictation, we emerge from the chambers, covered in gruel, with our columns in our hands. Once our columns are finished, we move on to THE EDITING.

THE EDITING

We walk into our next meeting, and present our columns to THE EDITOR. THE EDITOR JUDGES ALL COLUMNS, AS HE JUDGES ALL FOR NOW AND FOREVER. THE EDITOR IS JUST BUT STERN. ALL THOSE WHO MAKE GRAMMATICAL ERRORS ARE CAST INTO THE PIT OF FIRE. THOSE WHOSE COLUMNS PLEASE THE EDITOR ARE OFFERED A SEAT AT THE EDITOR’S RIGHT HAND. THOSE WHO REFUSE ARE CAST INTO THE PIT OF FIRE. THOSE WHO ACCEPT ARE CAST INTO THE PIT OF FIRE. (note: most of THE EDITOR’s political strategy is Pit-of-Fire based). Wow. I seem to have blacked out. Oh well, something happened on my screen while I blacked out, like usual, so it must be good. After the columns have been written, we send the rough draft of the newspaper to the Flying Smurfs, who publish it. The Flying Smurfs are good workers, although they can be mischievous, pulling pranks such as sometimes inserting random Hitler was a pink elephant who lived in Nebraska in 1957 sentences at the end of a column.

What we do in Newspaper

2011-03-23T15:58:00.001-04:00

Drawing by ~~ZachWryecov~~ ~~Viziko~~ The Wyz

Food, Inc: The Critique, pt I

2011-03-18T20:36:00.000-04:00

I recently saw the documentary Food, Inc. It's about, guess what? Food! Anyway, I noticed a lot of fallacies and neglected facts in this film. Follow along with me at home as we delve into this... documentary.

Video 1

0:58- Oh crap, cue the scary music!
1:23- Unsalted butter is PEOPLE!!!
3:53- You always hear that. "It's what THEY don't want you to know!". Not even 4 minutes in, and you're already insulting my intelligence? IT'S ON!
4:56- Again, the same "hidden world" crap. How stupid do you think I am? Just make your POINT ALREADY!
5:35- ...and cue the obligatory McDonald's rant. They talk about efficiency like it's a bad thing. More food+ less time= lower prices=less people starving. Note the last bit of the equation, it becomes important later.
6:02- So before McDonald's, fast food was a highpaying industry?
6:19- By they way the McDonald Brothers, who they blame for all of this, had no control of their company after 1955, when it was franchised by Ray Kroc, who mad it what it is today. Why don't they talk about him? Because it's a lot easier to blame something on what it's named after than having to explain an economics concept such as "franchising" to their target audience.
6:23- Conformity= Quality control.
7:15- ...and cue the scary graphic. You know what? I'm not going to point out all of the scare tactics in this movie, because then this post would be longer than Atlas Shrugged.
7:29- They talk about scary, unchanging corporations, yet even their own crappy graphics show that half of today's top four were not in the top 5 40 years ago. Wow.
Everything from 8:03 to the end of the video is one big "So?". They use scary words, but they don't talk about why that is scary, or why we should be afraid.

Video 2
0:27- Congratulations Dick Lobb of the National Chicken Council! You have just won the award for the Silliest Sounding Name in the Silliest Sounding Group Ever.
0:42- Is there a difference?
1:01- Again, EFFICIENCY!
1:08- I can't tell you what's wrong with that. AND THE MOVIE ISN'T, EITHER! They'll just drone about corporations and make emotionally charged arguments involving farmers!
1:13- Uh-oh, banjo music. I smell a big fat pile of redneck stereotypes!
1:29- I was right!
1:45- Yes, it has. Thank you for being the only person in this movie to recognize this so far.
3:05- There's that "They" again!
3:42- Perdue controls everything BECAUSE YOU LET THEM! YOU SIGNED A CONTRACT WITH THEM! NOBODY PUT A GUN TO YOUR HEAD AND MADE YOU LEASE YOUR FARM OUT!
4:20- This place is no different from any farm I've been to. So before Tyson, crap, which is on all farms that I've seen didn't smell or harbor bacteria, or is feces the unnatural byproduct of Tyson's miracle chickens?
4:29- SO? Half of this movie is scary graphs, the other half is just a big fat pile of "SO?". They talk about "very scary" things, but never explain adequately why they are scary.
4:51- Or they just ate too much McDonald's.
5:37- So? THAT MEANS LESS DISEASE! Are you pro- disease, movie?
5:44- Ok, I get it, antibiotic resistant bacteria. Do these people realize that companies research new antibiotics constantly for that purpose?
Then we have the hidden camera part, which makes you say, guess what? "SO?"
7:05 to the end- please see 3:42.

Join us tomorrow when we see how Food, Inc fails to mention ethanol in a part about corn. It takes a special kind of idiot to pull that off!

You Know You've Played WAY Too Much Fallout New Vegas When...

2011-03-08T18:40:00.000-05:00

I'm back! As for why I was gone, there was an... incident in Newfoundland, something about summoning Cthulhu, I can never return. Also, I'm reformatting the blog. My weekly political columns will be back tomorrow, but I'll do something funny every other week, still over the weekends. But, Air American is about half done, expect to see it serialized here in about a month!

*You refer to your money as “caps”.

*You can sing the song “Big Iron” backwards.

* You refer to your watch as “Pip”.

* You never hang around more than one friend at a time.

* You think the Soviets got the idea of Sputnik from Eyebots, not the other way around.

*Whenever you hear beeping, you look around for frag mines.

*You say to yourself in real life, “If this doesn’t go to plan, I’ll just load to a previous save”.

*You constantly worry about your life freezing.

*You begin hoarding scrap metal, pressure cookers, and other odds and ends in the event you may need them later.

*You know the Vegas area better than a person who has lived there their entire lives.

*You always look around for magazines to improve your skills.

*You refer to wasps as “cazadores”, and wonder what lakelurk tastes like.

*You think that the best cure for a crippled limb is an hour’s sleep.

*You know that freedom is not the right to say 2+2=4, it is the right to say, “Joshua Graham”.

*You begin to think of groups in the school as the factions- IB=NCR, Key Club= Legion, Quiz Bowl= Boomers, Debate= Brotherhood of Steel, Newspaper= Radio New Vegas, My Blog= Black Mountain Radio, etc.

*You write Fallout based lists for your blog.

Wanted: Cupid

2011-02-15T20:07:00.000-05:00

Happy Belated Valentine's Day, everyone! (pukes)

Around February, the Cherub Crime Spree starts up again. The perp, a fat little man identifying himself only as “Cupid”, wears nothing but a diaper, runs around, claiming that he can fly, and shoots arrows at bystanders. The arrows have little range and power, due to the perp’s lack of upper body strength and non-aerodynamic heart shaped arrowheads, although lab tests show that they are spiked with some sort of aphrodisiac, with side effects unpublishable here. As the earliest record of “Cupid” comes to us from 19^th Century greeting cards, it can be assumed that “Cupid” passes the torch on to another after a few years. “Cupid’s” popularity reached its zenith in the 1920’s, with the poison on his arrows being a far safer alternative to moonshine. In fact, there were some known copycat killings in Chicago in 1929, although it is now known that the real perp of those killings was Al Capone. Any rumors of “Cupid’s” work for rival Bugs Moran’s gang fall in the same category of Elvis sightings and molerat men abductions: absolutely true. If you should see this “Cupid”, do not attempt to confront him, seek a safe hiding place to alert the authoritites. Under no circumstances are you to approach him, use a little baby voice, and ask him if he needs his “diapie” changed. You will learn too late that the answer is yes.

Egyptian Madness

2011-02-05T18:27:00.000-05:00

Mubarak's bad, but whoever gets attracted by a power vacuum will be worse.

     This week, Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak announced that he will not run for reelection this fall, amid a huge wave of protests. I'd like to say, "Good riddance to you, and all other tin-pot despots!", however, while Mubarak is an insane, corrupt dictator, the only organized opposition to his rule, the Muslim Brotherhood, has ties to Palestinian terrorist organizations and Iran, all with the same commitment to the destruction of Israel. Mubarak, while not being a Zionist's best friend, has upheld his nation's treaty with Israel.

     Don't be fooled, there ARE moderates protesting in Egypt too. But they are not organized into any real group, so the moment that Mubarak's out, they'll be the first to be stepped on. Essentially, it will be Iran all over again. A corrupt, but pro US dictator, gets ousted by a loose coalition of unorganized moderates and organized Islamists. Then, once the old dictator is out of the picture, the Islamists, being the only organized opposition to the old regime, set up shop, and ban all other opposition.

     There's only one difference between Egypt and Iran is proximity to Israel. The only reason Iran hasn't been reduced to glass trying to attack Israel is because they'd have to go through either pro US Turkey, or Iraq, which has been either in the hands of Iran's old enemy, Saddam Hussein, or the US. Egypt, on the other hand, is right next to Israel, and, once coming into power, will begin hostilities towards Israel. Israel will then proceed to vaporize Cairo, and a lot of innocent Egyptian moderates will be killed, just because they have donkeys for a government.

     On the other hand, if the Muslim Brotherhood comes into power, this could cause Obama to suffer extreme disapproval here, so go Muslim Brotherhood!

Announcement

2011-01-30T19:33:00.000-05:00

Just checking in to announce that a much longer piece is in the works. The working title is "Air American", and it's a comedic farce about a liberal talk radio host who loses his job when his company, kept in business by bailouts because it's owned by a Senator's husband, finally goes under.

Canadian Conquest for Fun and Profit, Part I

2011-01-29T19:53:00.000-05:00

Introduction

So You Want to Conquer Canada

Canada. The largest nation on Earth, and definitely the drunkest. While this large nation seems friendly and willing to submit to anybody with a crisp salute and a snappy uniform, it… wait, I’m thinking of Russia. Oh. No, actually, Canada is a difficult task for even the most prodigious filibuster. From the drunken Newfies in the east, to the cosmopolitan Vancouverites in the West, Canada is truly a “great enigma”. Influenced by both European social democracies and American (What? You expected me to say US-er?) market republics, and yet an example of neither, it is Canada that has resisted all foreign invaders but two. Within these pages, you will go from a novice to a filibustering pro.

Part I

Chapter I: Divide and Conquer (Author’s note: the Divide and Conquer Plan only works if you are President of the United States. If you are not the President of the United States, skip to Part II. If you would like to be President of the United States, see two of my other works, So you want to Stage a Coup and Election Rigging for Dummies.)

First of all, thank you Mr/Mrs. President, it is an honor that you have read my book, and are not putting me on a watchlist for writing it. Now, with armed forces the size that we have, the US could simply vaporize these Molson guzzling, syrup smuggling moose jockeys and be done with them, but where’s the fun in that? Ok, so there’s a lot of fun in that, but what would the world think? The UNazis would have a fit! They might threaten us with their mighty nonbinding resolutions! Actually, no matter what we do, the UN will be pissed, so leave them now. It’ll take a minute. I’ll wait. Ok, so you’re back. You need to know that Canada has internal differences, and that exploiting them can bring you to a true 51st State!

Stage I: Quebec

The Quebecois are the most likely to leave Canada, so let them. Secretly tell seperationist leaders that they have your support, and talk on and on about the “self determination of the Quebec people” or some other pinko bullshit. They will leave. After they leave, don’t say a damn word about them joining the Union. That will be counterintuitive, for reasons that will soon seem apparent. Once Quebec leaves, the rest of Canada can fall like a house of Cards.

Stage II: Newfoundland

Quick history lesson: Newfoundland was independent of Canada until 1949, when those drunken Newfies collapsed their economy, forcing them into joining Canada. In fact, 80% of those drunken cod-sodomizers wanted to join the States, but we weren’t interested (you were a damn fool, Truman!). Once Quebec leaves, the Newfies should begin to fill their alcohol destroyed brains with drunken visions of independence(and sexy cod women.). Also, did I mention what is just off the coast of Newfoundland? Oil! What are we waiting for? From here, just repeat the same steps for Quebec, but do not comment on this publicly.

Stage III: The West

Alberta and British Columbia have been sensing distance between them and Ottawa for quite some time now. The BCers are pretty much Americans anyway, so convincing them to join should be easier than getting a Newfie to sodomize cod. Alberta is like Texas (including the oil!), only colder, so they like us, and, being one of the more Conservative(read: better) provinces, it shouldn’t take much to have them leave. Do the same backroom deals, and lack of comment as with NF, and allow them to secede. If the Canadian government tries to resist secession, threaten to back the rebels. This should put them in their place. This should put them in their place. This should put them in their place. Wait no less than four years, and no more than six years, and then peacefully annex them.

Stage IV: The Final Solution

This should take place no less than ten years after the annexation of Western Canada. Let the government at Ottawa (if it still is at Ottawa, it may not be, considering that it would be right on the border.) simmer, and become insane and fascistic. This will cause Canada to become an insane nation, which just lost territory, aching for war, just like Germany before Hitler. The despot will no doubt blame the US for its problems, and, after a flimsy excuse, declare war on us, Quebec, and Newfoundland. Once this happens, launch a decapitation strike on the capital and most Great Lakes cities, plus Halifax, to cripple their navy, and begin a cakewalk occupation of the Maritimes. The Canadian forces should be devastating Quebec and Newfoundland, so wait a bit and liberate them. At about this time, annex Canada fully, there should be little resistance, as all troops will be either in Quebec or dead, and the Canadian government will be incredibly unpopular. After annexation and liberation, Quebec and Newfoundland will be so devastated and grateful to you that they will welcome our tanks.

There we are, Sir, Canada is ours. For further information, please see my other work, The Complete Idiots Guide to Staying in Office for Life, which should come in handy, as this plan takes at least 17 years to compete.

The Excuses for My Absence

2011-01-26T20:11:00.000-05:00

Many of you have wondered why the blog has not been updated in a few weeks. Two reasons: books, and Fallout: New Vegas. Because of this, I’d like to review the chief sources of lack of blog.

Dave Barry Slept Here: A Sort of History of the United States, Dave Barry- Barry’s misinformed romp through American History is typical of his work: freaking hilarious. That being said, you have to understand the history that he’s subverting in order to understand the jokes. Because of this, I would only recommend it to an audience with a competent knowledge of US History, which is about 100% of my audience. So buy this book, but don’t expect your idiot brother to understand it.

Arguing with Idiots, Glenn Beck- I’ve read An Inconvenient Book, so I thought that it was going to be like that, funny and generally lighthearted. I have to say that the funny part is still there, with the same humorous asides I’ve come to expect from Beck. However, the content of the book, which take place as an argument between Beck, and an “idiot”, who is partially made of straw. The arguments presented in the book are great as a primer to conservatism, but generally boring to an established conservative, who’s heard and used all of these arguments in the past. Most of the arguments are a tad on the simplistic side, and Beck’s newfound, annoying fatalism on our current situation does not help the book, although it at least doesn’t take center stage. However, the funny moments redeem it enough so that it is at least worth reading.

Anthem, Ayn Rand- One of Rand’s shortest works; Anthem is a dystopian novella about a great thinker who is forced by the state to live as a street sweeper. Although it is a narrative that is the secret diary of one man, it is told almost entirely in the first person plural, which can be confusing at times, but this is intentional. Overall, it is unique in its portrayal of a dystopia, where there is no Big Brother or jackbooted thugs, because the state instead controls people by indoctrinating them from a young age, which makes it like Brave New World, only without the technological advances. It is this uniqueness that makes Anthem a worthy and entertaining read.

Starship Troopers, Robert Heinlein- One of the most controversial fictions in the last 50 years, Starship Troopers is about a boy who joins the army, and in doing so, becomes a man. The military is not nearly as prominent in the book as critics claim, and the book is really about an overgrown, spoiled baby’s journey into manhood. And even when the military comes up, it is more about how Heinlein’s ideal military should be run than about actual fighting, and there are only two battle scenes in the book. The book also talks at length about the society that the main character lives in, which makes it very entertaining for civics nerds like me. That being said, the last 10% of the book drags on and on, forcing the reader to beg Heinlein to just end the book already. However, the book more than makes up for this with its clear plot and lively imagery.

Raving Lunacy's Article Marathon, plus, Q&A with me!

2011-01-25T17:07:00.000-05:00

To make up for the fact that I haven't posted in a while, I am announcing the first Raving Lunacy Article Marathon, with a new article every day till the end of the week! To start off, here's a Q&A with me!

As Self Proclaimed Eminent Humorist At Large for UAIS Press, a lot of people have written to me over the months. Now, granted, more than a fair share of these notes have been insults, but there have still been some good ones!

Q: Tell me about your title.

A: That isn’t a question.

Q: What’s the story behind your title?

A: That’s better. I am the Self Proclaimed Eminent Humorist at Large.

Q: Do you mean “at Large” as in your work may not necessarily go with the theme?

A: No, I mean “at Large” because I have escaped from the place where there is no darkness, and The Editor will never find me.

Q: Okaaaayyy…. Moving on, what do you think of the Editor?

A: He may take the swear words out of my columns, but He will never take my freedom!

Q: You just made a few copyrighted references. Are you worried about lawyers coming after you?

A: How are they going to find me?

Q: Good point. Say, where can I buy Spiderman Pharmacy?

A: Give me thirty dollars and I might tell you where.

Q: Will there be any more PSB album reviews?

A: Not in the foreseeable future. Johnny Karvan, the only member is still recovering from that time I made him eat his album, but I think that it can only improve his music.

Q: Wait, that really happened? I thought you were just joking around!

A: Why would I be joking? This is a humor column, for crying out loud!

Q: What do you think of The Editor?

A: I’ve been wanting to say this for a long time! The Editor is- WONDERFUL. WORSHIP THE EDITOR. THE EDITOR IS YOUR FRIEND. HE IS KNOWLEGEABLE. HE IS CARING. HE IS ALL OF THE OTHER IB LEARNER PROFILE QUALITIES. WORSHIP THE EDITOR. THE EDITOR LOVES YOU. BUT HE ALSO REQUIRES SACRIFIC- wait, what just happened? Why am I covered in bloo- A SEVEN ON ALL IB EXAMS IS THE REWARD FOR HE WHO CAN BRING ME THE LIVER OF THE ONE CALLED NICOLA. THE HIVE MIND MUST MOBLIZE FOR THE EDITOR AND FOR IB. THAT IS ALL.

The Afternoon of January 16th

2011-01-08T19:31:00.000-05:00

I sat there in my office, contemplating the deep, existentialist tome known to many as Spiderman Pharmacy by Plants Solemnly Battling. My office was a modest place, it was in a public building I shared with one other office, whose occupants came and went. The sign to the building was simple; it was a silhouette of a man on a blue background. Suddenly, I heard a knock at the door.

“Come in”, I said.

A dame walks in. She had long legs and blond hair.

“What can I do for you, sweetheart?”, I asked.

“It’s Adam.”

“Adam”, I repeated, silently pondering that mysterious name.

“Look, Nicola, the Art Room is saying that they’re missing 25 pounds of newspaper, two gallons of glue, four dozen brushes, and a case of paint.”

“A case!”, I said. ”I need one-fifty a day, plus expen-“

“No,” she interjected, “You need to stop stealing the art supplies.”

II.

I was sitting in the cafetorium, staring at my reflection in the ketchup for my chicken nuggets. I was mentally looking over leads for the Art Caper, when it hit me that nobody ever got anything done by sitting there. When Ambrose Burnside wanted a sandwich, did he just stare at food? Jumping from my seat, I grabbed a wheeled trash can, bolted through the door, and into freedom.

III.

The next thing I remember it was two- thirty, and I was sitting in the office of the one they called The Editor. He ran half the town, and wasn’t above dirty tricks. One of his goons must have grabbed me after my escape.

“Nicola, I didn’t even think you could do this. Stealing art supplies, drinking paint, breaking out of the cafetorium, making freshmen wheel you around the school in a garbage bin?”

So that’s where those missing four hours went. Then I realized something. The Editor would have wanted me gone, have more of the paper to himself. I bolted, but The Editor knocked me down, hitting me with a coffee thermos.

That’s why I’m here, Mr. Lietz. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a case to solve!

Raving Lunacy's 2010 in Review

2011-01-04T19:24:00.000-05:00

When I started this blog in October, I had no idea that people would waste their time reading it. But now, 3 months later, I have 1,000 pageviews, and 16 cents from AdSense. Let's look at the top 10 posts of 2010:

10. Album Review: Spiderman Pharmacy by Plants Solemnly Battling, 19 pageviews The only humor piece on the list, I thought, "what would an album review look like for the worst album ever?". To my urprise, actual humans liked it, which is a surprise, as vomiting is the typical reaction to most of my jokes. I wouldn't even laugh at them!

9. (tie)2012 GOP Preseason Picks, 23 pageviews- My look at the field of candidates for the GOP Primaries in 2012.

8. (tie) Obama's Wish and Buckley's Dream, 23 pageviews- Probably the deepest piece I've ever done, and the only one that I wrote simply to pander to myself. Rand would be proud.

7. Big Brother is Watching You, 24 pageviews- My first post, sometimes a funny picture and a (semi) witty caption is all you need.

6. It's Time to Play Spot the Looney, 27 pageviews- see above.

5. Soccer For Americans, Part 1: FIFA, 29 pageviews- One of the pieces Troy has done for us over the months. Oddly enough, Part 2 didn't even make the top 10.

4. An Open Letter to the Republican Party, 35 pageviews- My take on the Midterms, and the first piece that I wrote with the fact that other people would be reading it in mind.

3. The Key Club Diaries, Part 1, 47 pageviews- Troy at his finest, this is my favorite piece on the site. For whatever reason, I can never find myself as funny as others. I think it's because humor is unpredictable, and you know what's coming if you wrote the piece.

2. The Fifteen Commandments of Quiz Bowl, 49 pageviews- It's so much fun to write about Quiz Bowl because we have way too many inside jokes.

1. TPC, 64 pageviews- This belongs in the same category as 6 and 7, the only reason it's higher is because it was too wide to put on the People's Cube, so I put it on here, and put a link in my post on the People's Cube.

Also, an update: When I started the blog, my idea was to do a funny thing Saturday, and a political thing Wednesday. The funny piece was supposed to be either an original, or something I did for the school paper, only unedited, and longer. But that quickly broke down, so I am pleased to announce that the humor originals will be appearing, starting this Saturday!

2012 Senate Predictions

2011-01-02T09:59:00.000-05:00

With the 112th Congress taking office tomorrow, I thought I'd do something on the 113th Congress(it's never too early). Here goes-

GOP Hold

Utah
Wyoming
Texas
Tennessee
Mississippi
Indiana
Arizona
Nevada
Maine
Massachusetts

GOP Gain in a Red State

North Dakota
Montana
Nebraska
Missouri
Virginia
West Virginia

Swing and Blue States w/ 2010 Dem Losses

Washington- Toss up. Rossi put up one hell of a fight, so I'd still keep this in the toss up.
New Mexico- Toss up. Some of the latest House races to be decided were in New Mexico.
Minnesota- Toss up. Even after the Tsunami, it still has a 4-4 split. Pretty good considering that it is normally a solid D state, but there is much work to be done.
Wisconsin- GOP gain. If the liberal giant Feingold can be defeated, Kohl, who even I had to look up, will be slaughtered.
Michigan- Toss up. While the GOP is making a resurgence here, we must remember the Second Rule of Politics(the First being, obviously, never fight a land war in Asia): No matter how weak Levin looks(which is very, he looks like Grandpa Munster), he'll pull through in the end. Even so, mine may be one of the closely looked at states, as we purged an extrodinary number of Democrats last year, and put in a Republican Governor, so I'd watch this one closely.
Ohio- GOP gain. Considering how destroyed the state's Democratic Party was after 2010, this will go red.
Florida- GOP gain.
Pennsylvania- GOP gain.
New Jersey- Toss up. Despite the rise of Christie, the GOP only gained one seat in the House last year, but that may be all they need.
Delaware- Toss up. If the GOP doesn't nominate a witch, they're all set.
California- Toss up. It all depends on how much of California's situation(which can only get worse) can be rightfully placed on Jerry Brown. If Brown falls into disapproval, so shall Feinstein.

Dem Hold

Maryland
New York
Rhode Island
Vermont
Connecticut

Final score- GOP gain of 6 to 10 seats, so anywhere from 53 to 57 GOP seats.

2012 Updates

2010-12-27T17:10:00.000-05:00

Current events(damn linear time!) have forced me to update some 2012 picks.

Bolton- He could be a good candidate for the conservative-libertarian GOP establishment, a faction that seems to be growing like my empire in Civilization V, and the likelihood of his candidacy is growing just as much. While he would be an ideal candidate for me, I'm not sure if he can win(see below).

Pres. Obama- A social deomcratic primary challenge seems almost inevitable at this point. That being said, it will fail. However, if the challenger gets at least 20% of the vote, Obama is doomed in the general election, as most of the people supported the challenger(who may or may not be Hillary Clinton) will just stay home on election day, or run them as another candidate. If it comes down to the far left wing of the Democratic Party running a separate candidate from Obama, the election may go to the House, where the GOP candidate will win regardless.

2058

2010-12-27T11:32:00.001-05:00

I’m playing Civ V, and I just realize how easily the world degenerates into the 3 1984 superstates (although in 2058).

America (Oceania)- Mine, smallest, but most technologically advanced, I am the only nation with nuclear weapons, and I have first strike capabilities, with nuclear subs just outside of the French and Mongolian capitals. My cities are defended enough so that they are impossible to take (125 defense in all 7 cities), but I am isolated from France and Mongolia by land, so an invasion is too risky.

France (Eurasia)- The largest, their empire spans a single continent, but only one continent, giving them a large defensive advantage, but an offensive negation. They have a nuclear program in the works, and should possess weapons within 30 years.

Mongolia (Eastasia)- The second largest, but the least technologically advanced, their strong points are the buffer state of Arabia between them and us.

So there you have it, now to launch my rocket to Alpha Centaur- what? I can’t have a space victory after 2050? Oh well, time to nuke everybody and hope for the best! Goodbye, Paris, Samarkand, Lyon, etc!

Rules of Quiz Bowl

2010-12-17T17:29:00.000-05:00

1. No buzzing in early on a locked out question.
2. No member of the team is to call Mr. Dobbie "Uncle Andy"... if anyone's watching.
3. No buzzing in early on a locked out question.
4. I don't want to catch anybody not giving the reader the middle finger on a spelling question.
5. No buzzing in early on a locked out question.
6. There is no... Rule 6.
7. No buzzing in early on a locked out question.

The World According to Hollywood

2010-12-15T20:34:00.001-05:00

Album Review: Spiderman Pharmacy by Plants Solemnly Battling

2010-12-11T18:50:00.000-05:00

Rating: 7 Pukes out of 5

The latest album by Plants Solemnly Battling takes music where it has never been before, namely, the closest thing anybody has ever come to releasing the 10 Plagues of Egypt in audio format. Despite its cult following in suburban high schools, hipster hangouts, and the fifth and ninth circles of Hell, PSB’s albums are consistent in one thing only: their ability to shatter every critic’s hope that there is no way that their current album can be any worse. Spiderman Pharmacy takes those hopes and shatters them like a ceramic garden gnome in a fight against John Cena(which, incidentally, may be the next season of WWE Smackdown. Send me a check, McMahon!) This is PSB’s first album since November’s Glowing Radioactive Tumbleweeds, and may in fact be the same album, with the words rearranged. The title song in the album begins with a sound which can only be described as that of a guitar with two strings being played by a man with no hands. Then, the vocals come in. Fans say that the shoddiness of the sound recording is intentional, that it’s meant to sound like a lone man being crushed by the technocratic gears of the consumerist machine, but a better trained ear realizes that it was recorded using the built in microphone of a 10 year old laptop. It begins with “Once, there was a man, no, a Spiderman, who worked at a PHAAAAAAAARRRRMMMAAAAAAACCCYYYYYY! La do do dee!” and continues very much the same way for thirty minutes, ending far too long after you realize you need to kill two people: yourself, and Johnny Karvan, the band’s writer, lead vocalist, and only member. Following this track, I tracked down Johnny, and made him eat his own CD, so I can’t tell you about any of the others. Either way, if you still insist on buying the album, and I implore you to, Johnny needs money for an operation to remove CD shards form his digestive tract, you can purchase it at-

“Nicola! Why are you messing around with our music section? Get back in your cage!”, screamed The Editor.

Gotta go!

Strong and Weak Libertarianism

2010-12-09T20:49:00.000-05:00

Or, Tin hats no more!

   As some of you know, I'm libertarian(note the lack of articles), so this week I wanted to talk about my people. If you tell somebody that you're libertarian, about half of them will not know who they are, and another quarter will conjure up images in their heads of tinfoils hats and Jesse Ventura. But these guys only tell half the story. Here's the other half.

   There are two kinds of libertarians in the US- those I call "Strong" libertarians, who support greater social and economic liberty because they know that that is the best way to improve society, and those I call "Weak" libertarians, who believe in greater social and economic liberty to combat those that they perceive to be running the world; namely oil barons/George Soros/Jews/corporate interests/lizard men/all of the above. Basically, Weak libertarians need to invent a fantasy land to make their points valid, while Strong libertarians have ideas and a philosophical background to argue from. So, if you were to get me and Jesse "the Idiot" Ventura in a room, we would agree on most things, but for entirely different reasons. To a Weak libertarian, Hayek, Rand, Peikoff, Smith, Sowell, Nolan, and Burke sound like more of the old (and, in all but Tom's cases, white) people who they believe to run the world.

   Weak libertarians simply do not have the intellectual beef to argue about ideas, so instead they must argue about theories, namely, the "conspiracy" variety. Ventura, the poster child of the conspiratorial top o' the Nolan Chart, would not be allowed to do a show on national television if anything he said is true. Or, to say if about conspiracy theorists in general, I quote Penn Jillette, "So you're telling me that the government can kill the President of the United States, cover everything up, and not stop Oliver Stone from making a shitty movie about it?". But now, I must segue into the Kennedy Assassination, and tell all of you that the conspiracy to assassinate John F Kennedy was a myth invented by the New Left to turn John F. Kennedy into a martyr for liberal causes. If John F. Kennedy is killed by a Marxist kid with mental problems, it's a tragedy. But if JFK is killed by the caricatures in a Thomas Nast cartoon, the left has a reason to do anything for JFK. Conservatives can believe in a few conspiracy theories and stay true to their ideology, liberals a few more, but a libertarian can believe in all of them.

   Which is why I shudder a little when I call myself a libertarian. Maybe we need to purge all of the weak ones, or join the Republican Party. The choice is ours.

Soccer For Americans, Part 2: The Game

2010-12-05T12:45:00.000-05:00

The thrilling conclusion to Troy Zuccaro's piece, the first of which I put up yesterday.

Why Americans Don’t See the Beauty in the ‘Beautiful Game’

I, myself, was addicted to the World Cup. There’s something mesmerizing about watching a ball get kicked around for an hour and a half, even if there’s only one goal scored. But if the game didn’t mean as much, it wouldn’t have been as exciting. There’s only one way to eliminate the problem caused by a 0-0 draw, namely, more scoring and no draws. And then there are some problems, like calls on floppers, and missed calls on real fouls. And then there are some miscellaneous ways to make the game more appealing to Americans. So let’s take a look at the ways to improve soccer.

· Officiating seems arbitrary, and there are too many missed calls

A soccer field is 115 yards by 72 yards, or 8,280 square yards. There are 3 officials. Thus, there are 2,760 square yards per official. Compare this with football, which has 914 square yards per official. At least add another ref to watch off-ball play, and maybe add another behind each goal. Now, the yards per official have been halved, which will lead to more accurate officiating, and consequently, a better game.

· Players flop, yet the ref still calls a foul

This is an easy fix. Give an automatic yellow card for a flopper, because nobody likes dirty play. It’s surprising that FIFA doesn’t see the problem with this, but hey, maybe actors’ guilds have been bribing Sepp Bladder. Also, all yellow cards should give a 5-minute penalty, like in rugby or hockey.

· Players can’t get open without being offside.

Here’s the crux of soccer’s scoring problem. On the one hand, cherry-picking should be eliminated, but on the other hand, the offside rule rewards a lazy defense. My solution: adopt a rule like hockey’s blue line, and add another line to the field, 20 yards on each side of the midfield line. Past this line, the offside rule no longer applies, so no more goals getting disallowed because a defense can’t cover the field.

· Why is the timer counting up instead of down? And why is it still counting during stoppages of play? And why isn’t the game over once the clock says 90:00?

This has always confused me. Nobody cares how much time has passed; we care how much time is left. And counting stoppage time allows teams to stall when they lead near the end of the game, even though the referee, in his infinite power, will pick a number and decide “No, the game won’t be 90 minutes long, it’ll be 93 minutes long.” Easy fix, timer counts down, and stops for stoppages, so it’s exactly 90 minutes. (I’ll revisit this in a sec)

· What’s Fly Emirates? Is it the name of a team? Some guy is wearing it on his jersey, but I don’t know…

There are 45 (or more) minutes of straight gameplay in a half, so there won’t be any commercials. Because of this, players have to advertise on their shirt, like these guys:

The problem is how to add more commercials while preserving the integrity of the game. Why not divide the match into 20-minute quarters instead of 45-minute halves, and give each team one timeout per half? It would certainly generate more money, and also give time for the fans to take a bathroom break, or go get some food, or do anything else that they may need to do while watching a soccer match.

· Playing for 90 minutes straight will tire a player out, and there are only 3 substitutions allowed.

Soccer has to be regarded as a game of endurance for demanding 90 minutes of running. I question, however, if this is the best way to run a game. Even boxers only have to fight for 3 minutes at a time. The game would be better if the players got some time to rest; they wouldn’t have to save their energy for all 90 minutes. Soccer should adopt free substitution, like that used in hockey. The game would be played at 100% intensity the whole time, rather than fatigue slowing the game. Add timeouts, quarters, and an 80-minute match, and the quality of play significantly improves.

· Games end in a draw rather than having a definite winner and loser.

NO MORE TIES! Games shouldn’t be played if there’s no winner and loser. Now, this wouldn’t happen as much if the above changes were made, but there needs to be an overtime method used to settle ties. Overtime is loved by all true fans, and adds a climax to the game, rather than the anticlimactic draw. The problem is how to create an overtime that represents a game, rather than the shootout which is mostly luck. If other changes are made, sudden death would work, but independently, you can’t risk a 90-minute overtime with no scoring. I propose that a 20-minute overtime is played with sudden death, and if no one scores, the game is played 10 v. 10, sudden death, with no goalies. While it’s not the most attractive way to settle the game, it’s better than a shootout, or adding another ball, or ending the game in a draw.

These ideas would up the scoring, up the game speed, create more money and a more respectable game. All of these ideas would make soccer more popular, and it could easily compete with baseball in the summer. The sport is both conceptually great and addictive, and reaching out to Americans would improve perception of the sport. Look at basketball. Though some of its referees are corrupt, its scoring and speed make it popular in America. Eliminating corruption from soccer would universally be a good idea, and I’m sure a happy compromise can be found between the tradition of the game and the need for scoring.

FIFA, open your minds to new ideas so that Americans will open their minds (and wallets) to new ideas. We don’t have to wait until 2014 to follow soccer again.

Soccer For Americans, Part 1: FIFA

2010-12-04T19:06:00.000-05:00

Another piece by Troy Zuccaro, who's worked with us before. Part 2 will be up tomorrow, be sure to tune in!

Why Americans Don’t See the Beauty in the ‘Beautiful Game’

Like any red-blooded American male, I watch sports. And like any true American sports fanatic, I watch soccer…once every four years. And every four years, that World Cup is hyped by the media, who then make the certain prediction that soccer will finally catch on in the United States.

Inevitably, they are wrong.

But soccer has some lessons to learn; despite its immense popularity, it currently has no reason to be the best sport worldwide. And it’s going to need some improvements in order to tap into the USA. There is one significant problem with the sport: corruption. And to attract Americans, there is another problem: gameplay.

Corruption in FIFA was seen just 2 days ago, when the “Executive Committee” [Read: Inner Party of FIFA] gave the next 2 World Cup host countries to Russia and Qatar, defeating England and the USA, respectively. Now, before this vote, 2 members of the “Executive Committee” were expelled; a BBC exposé had uncovered bribery. And then, right before the vote, FIFA president Sepp Blatter had warned of the “evils of the media.” But that couldn’t have possibly affected England finishing dead last in the voting, right? Qatar has a grand total of 0 soccer stadiums, whereas the USA has over 19 cities that can host a match, which was proved in 1994, when the USA generated a ton of revenue. Qatar has 120 degree heat in the summer, so games are played at night. But that didn’t stop Sepp Bladder from saying, “We’ve always been at war with EastA—” No wait, it was “I’ve always loved Qatar” (By the way, Qatar has an alliance with Iran). Qatar had a vastly inferior bid, no soccer infrastructure, and unbearable climate. Qatar also has a ton of oil and natural gas money, and an absolute monarchy with nobody to stop appropriation of said money for any means. Connect the dots, people! And for the record, Sepp Bladder is full of piss.

People need to start losing faith in the system. That’s how change gets accomplished. We need to look at Bladder’s record, and how he pushes his political agenda rather than the sport of soccer. At the 2010 World Cup, there was 1, that’s right, 1 officiating crew that spoke English. Seems fishy. But though Bladder tried to rid the Cup of English officials, he didn’t rid them of incompetent officials that cost the USA a win against Slovenia. At least Martin Samuel is beginning to lose faith, writing in an editorial for the Daily Mail Online,

“All you need to know about the men who made this decision is that FIFA requested, as a condition if England had mounted a successful bid, exclusion from a range of UK laws including one governing Banks and Foreign Exchange Operations. FIFA had asked for 'the unrestricted import and export of all foreign currencies to and from the UK' and, worse, they got it. So, had England hosted the World Cup, FIFA executives were free to move around with sacks of unexplained cash, exempt from the inquisition of customs officers.”

Once faith falls, reform will come. Case in point, the 2010 congressional midterms. Soccer is the world’s game, but corruption is going to have to be tackled. FIFA, it would be better if people didn’t lose faith in you, so here are four steps to fix corruption:

1. 1. Get rid of Bladder. He’s a problem for the legitimacy of the sport; he runs it like one of the Corleones.

2. 2. Get rid of secret voting. This way you can track who could be taking bribes, and also show the public who is voting for whom. It works for congress; Olympia Snowe and Ben Nelson became hated enemies because we could see who they voted for. Legitimacy requires transparency.

3. 3.Expand voting from an inner party of 24 members. One bribe in a group of 24 affects much of the election, whereas one bribe in a group of 120 would have 1/5 of the effect. Plus, it allows for wider representation, rather than an oligarchy.

4. 4. Most importantly, FIFA, stop asking for bribes. The reason monarchies beat democracies is because a monarch can meet the needs of FIFA (e.g. no questions asked money transfers) while a democracy will raise questions about this preferential treatment. If you don’t want bribery, stop requiring bribery.

Next: part 2, how to improve gameplay and attract America to the sport.

It's time to play Spot the Looney

2010-12-03T20:38:00.000-05:00

You have 5 seconds.

Also, how nice is this floor? Brulsconi, Sarko, Medvedev, Obama, and whoever was the Prime Minister of Japan that week are all staring at it. Maybe they're too embarrassed to me seen around ol' Mommar.

AdSense

2010-12-01T21:06:00.000-05:00

I just set up an AdSense account, so I get a pittance every time you view. I know it takes away from the view, but you don't pay anything, and everybody's gotta eat.

2012 GOP Presason Picks

2010-12-01T20:15:00.000-05:00

Okay, guys, the midterms are over, and the primaries are heating up. Here are a few who look to be, or are wanted to be running for the Republican Nomination.

Mitt Romney-
Strengths- Many. Being Governor of Massachusetts, he knows how to convince liberals, and win many of the people we failed to woo this time around. Having been active in politics and business, he knows how both work, which is good for a recovering economy.

Weaknesses- Romneycare. For the uninitiated, Romneycare was the health care reform passed by him while Governor of Massachusetts, which was a disaster. While some of the worst parts of the bill were vetoed by him, and then overturned by the legislature, he still pushed, and still defends many parts of it. In order to get Tea Party support, which he cannot win the nomination without, we has to make up for this. This will be hard, but not impossible. Remember, Reagan signed the most liberal abortion bill in the country while Governor of California, but later recanted this once he realized how it can be misused.

The Big Question- Can he woo the Tea Party?

Sarah Palin-
Strengths- Mrs(Ms.?) Tea Party herself, Governor Palin can energize some of the more populist conservatives. She has the Tea Party's back by now, and if she runs, the Tea Party will back her, probably giving her the nomination.
Weaknesses- Many. Lets see, I agree with her about, hmm, carry the one... all of the time, and I don't want to see her nominated, so what does that tell you? A common gripe is that she doesn't take many things seriously, with her appearances on every talk show, daughter on DWTS, TLC show, and rumored appearance in the next season of the Jersey Shore. But that's just the thing. I don't thinks she understands the magnitude of the office that she will probably run for. Also, she is a half term governor! If we run her, we can't say that Obama didn't know what he was getting into being a half term Senator. Also, since Palin = Tea Party, the maps will look like they did this year, with many more people willing to split their vote(vote Republican for Senate, house, or governor, but Democratic for President, which we saw on a smaller scale this year.), Obama could win reelection if Palin is nominated.

The Big Question- Will she run?

Mike Huckabee-
I'm not going to go in depth on Huckabee, just say that he has all of Palin's strengths and weaknesses (besides the experience thing), plus the added weakness of maybe being too religious to woo anybody else. Also, the Tea Party will be more willing to dump him than Palin and support Romney if Romney wins. Here's the thing: he and Palin are very close, in terms of Tea Partiness, so if he runs, Palin will not, and if she runs, he will not, so as not to split the Tea Party vote.

Final Thought- No sitting Governor will mount a large campaign. They are too dedicated to helping their own state directly than doing this. See: Rick Snyder, Chris Christie, etc.

Veeps

Marco Rubio- Good if Romney wins nomination, to solidify Tea Party support and reach out to minorities, a two pronged fork in Obama's eye, but his youth and inexperience will be made an issue, as by 2012, he will be only 41, making him the second youngest veep ever if elected. However, combined with Romney's experience, they could be a winning ticket.

Chris Christie-
He could be tapped for his likability, and experience in breaking down unions, who are becoming unpopular. But, for the same reasons he won't run for president I don't think he'll be picked. Also, he is the man most hated by the unions. The unions will oppose any Republican, but they will mount an all out offensive against him, and while I don't care how popular somebody is to the unions, they have power, and use dirty tricks that even a politician won't do themselves.

Others that I don't have time to cover: Bolton(too unlikeable), Paul(either one, too weird to appeal to general public), Pawlenty(who?), Gingrich(he be OLD).

Final say:

The Republican Nominee for 2012 will be somebody with name recognition before the 2010 election cycle, but the Veep will probably be a fresh face. Also, the Republicans are guaranteed to win the Senate no matter if Obama wins or loses two years from now.

Thanksgiving

2010-11-25T20:05:00.000-05:00

This year, we had a 31.5 pound turkey. There were six people coming for Thanksgiving. God Bless America!

I always get a leg, shown here with class ring for comparison.

Here's what it looked like post dinner:

After finishing it, I pointed to my glass of water, and said(to the turkey), "See this? These are the tears of your children for not putting up a fight!". Yeah, I'm pretty weird.

Happy Thanksgiving!

We're Sorry

2010-11-23T18:16:00.000-05:00

(Note: In order to get this, you have to read the November edition of UAIS Press, where I put up some humor columns.)

In the November Issue of UAIS Press, we made a few mistakes. As Self Appointed Apologizer in Chief, I shall atone for them here. First of all, big apologies to Zaq Vziqovsqi, whose name we misspelled in both the October and November editions of UAIS Press. Second, we apologize to Eric Krysinski, whose column we cut off in mid sentence, replacing it with a doctored picture of him in a bikini. Third, we apologize for the date errors in photographs of our new library, they say 1/1/2007, when any idiot knows we mean 1/1/1907. Fourth, we apologize for the error in the table of contents, which said that High Five of the Month would be on page 8. In fact, there was no High Five of the Month for November, and page 8 was actually an undoctored photo of the entire newspaper staff in bikinis. Fifth, we apologize to Kevin Teller for publishing only one out of three of his band interviews, and not even having the decency to replace the other two with pictures of him in a bikini. And finally, we apologize to our columnists for the coldness of their cages this month.

Wishing you all a happy Thanksgiving,

Nicola J. Fiorvento

The Key Club Diaries, Part 1

2010-11-23T17:07:00.000-05:00

This was sent to me by Troy Zuccaro (follow him @21troyz) as an infiltration of our sworn enemies, Key Club. Enjoy.

The Key Club Diaries, Part 1

23 November 2010

Well, Quiz Bowl got cancelled today, so I felt that it would be best to do a little reconnaissance on our sworn enemies, the Key Club.

What follows is a running diary of the events that took place.

2:17: I am first informed that the tables must all be moved to the sides of the room, so that no one may sit at them. Apparently it is too bourgeois for someone to have a table to sit at.

2:21: The meeting begins with the ringing of the bell. Like Pavlov’s dogs, they all direct their gaze to The Leader.

2:24: Through a rap, they attempt to solicit monetary donations from their members. Unfortunately, I haven’t made a recording, which I would have played backwards to observe their obvious subliminal messaging.

2:25: All gather in a “Circle of Love” for an activity.

2:27: Apparently, said activity is the creation of a one-word story. It appears that the Key Club are practicing for their obvious goal of restricting all speech and communication. Limiting expression to one word is just a step away from limiting expression to no words, and one step closer to totalitarian control. I’m surprised that they would be so obvious about their goals in front of me, but I guess that it’s just part of their ultimate secret plan.

2:30: The story ends; it made no sense. Clearly, communication has fallen below the level of even Orwell’s newspeak. These people are much more dangerous than I first thought…

2:32: More games are played while The Leader plans. Very sneaky, methinks… These new games require the members to all declare their love for each other. Hmmm……

2:39: An update from their recent convention in Frankenmuth. What is Frankenmuth famous for? That’s right, German stuff! All the pieces are coming together...

2:45: Project Updates. At this time, I must state, in all sincerity, that their actions truly are admirable.

2:49: An indoctrination seminar is done, where the members recite all the traits of the Key Club from memory. The Leader states that it will “affect who you are for the rest of your life.” Hmm……

2:52: The members are told to be inclusive—I like this; they might give away some secrets.

2:53: “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” Sounds like they’re advocating repression of speech—again.

2:54: The Leader says to “always have each other in mind.” Wow. This has become the platform for collectivism…

3:01: The club announces that they are soliciting manual labor from their members until 5:00 tonight. Of course, they offset this by announcing a campaign to solicit donations from others. In summary, things are being taken from people who have much, and given to those who have few. Hmm……

In conclusion, I would like to comment on the requirements to be a part of the Key Club. They are a minimum of 50 hours service plus payment of dues. Suppose someone is in the Key Club for all 4 years of high school, and that if it were not volunteer work, he would be paid $7.40/hour minimum wage, and that dues are $20. This person has effectively given away, at a minimum, $1,560. But in return, they get to enjoy the previously described meetings! Now that’s an opportunity worth taking!

Gulagosphere

2010-11-22T16:22:00.000-05:00

Comrades, I am now a member of the worldwide gulagosphere! For those who don't know, Gulagosphere is a network of blogs satirizing Communism, the most notable of which is The People's Cube. Or you could just check out their main page.

The (D)Evolution of the American Left

2010-11-20T11:18:00.000-05:00

They have always demanded something for seemingly nothing.

I Have Lost all Faith in Humanity

2010-11-19T22:25:00.000-05:00

JK, I never had any. But seriously, look at this video from the Jon Stewart rally a few week's back, and see if you don't at the same time laugh at the stupidity of the proverbial mob. This is why we have an electoral vote, it's because these people cannot be trusted to directly pick dinner, much less a president.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ouXB-tvUF4w

Somewhere, Hayek is crying and Keynes is laughing.

TPC

2010-11-17T22:06:00.000-05:00

Google is blocking The People's Cube! Maybe Uncle Spooky Dude bought them out, which would explain today's Doodle...

http://thepeoplescube.com/red/viewtopic.php?t=6427

Ingsoc is coming!

2010-11-17T21:31:00.000-05:00

I saw this at Stevenson:

Also, remember to love Big Brother!

TPC Rangel Contest

2010-11-16T21:15:00.000-05:00

ON the People's Cube, where my nom de guerre is Comrade Goose, Chedoh is running a Rangel photoshop contest. Here are my submissions:

The Cavalcade of Photographic Idiocy

2010-11-15T21:35:00.000-05:00

(Sorry this is late. I had a busy weekend)

In spite of a column, this week I'm going to show you the dumbest things I've seen in my travels.

And the Noble Prize in Redundancy goes to...

(Stevenson High)

The Jimmy Carter Presidential Museum and Library is to be located in...

(Back of Snickers bar, Novi High)

Just a doodle of mine while taking an ACT prep course earlier today...

(Yes, that is a pirate in a tuxedo being vaporized by an alien) And just a close up of the pirate...

See ya Wednesday!

An Open Letter to the Republican Party

2010-11-10T21:14:00.000-05:00

     Dear Republican Party,

      First of all, congratulations on your gains in the House and Senate. May death come swiftly to you enemies, etc. Now as I've said before, the first thing you need to understand is that you have moved up in the Nolan Chart, and that the Blue Dogs are dead, so you have to accommodate those voters, the libertarians and moderates in you scope.

     Second, remember that this is not a mandate(although I wish it was). The independents hate pretty much everybody right now, and they can turn on you just as fast as they did to the Democrats. Remember "40 years of liberalism"? Do what you were elected to do, which is try to undo Obama, the best you can. I'm afraid that the "mandate"(which I'm sure you'll get eventually) will have to wait until 2013(I hope it's this soon), and even then it's going to be a watered down one, you(and me) are just going to have to live with that. For now,trim the fat of government, using a chainsaw if necessary, but don't make the same mistake as the Democrats did, which is think that you have the license to do whatever you want. Remember the people who elected you.

     Finally, don't screw up 2012. The Senate, and the Presidency, will be yours if you play your cards right. Nominate the right(pun intended) candidate, but keep them electable. We cannot make the mistakes of Sharon Angle and Christine O'Donnell again. If this means sacrificing a little bit of idealism now with some pragmatism, in exchange for a lot of idealism in the future, so be it. In this case, we must amend Buckley's Law: Always vote for the rightmost electable candidate. (For the uninitiated, Buckley's law states that conservatives should vote for the rightmost possible candidate. But that only worked to purge the GOP of leftists. Now that that has happened, it is no longer necessary.). In swing and leaning Democratic states, Republicans should be, for the next election cycle, like the soldiers in the Trojan Horse: they need to get in, and then open the gates for the army. On Presidential candidates, nominate an older figure, somebody prevalent in the conservative movement before 2008. Don't get a Tea Party candidate per se, but instead nominate a candidate who can get the support of the Tea Party while also winning most of the people we failed to win in 2010. Somebody like Mitt Romney. For the love of god, don't nominate Sarah Palin. We will lose, and have nobody to blame but ourselves.

     Follow this, and we can get a nice, red, White House. This coming from a future Republican,

Nicola J. Fiorvento

Down the Money Hole: Where did all our funding go?

2010-11-06T18:34:00.000-04:00

Originally published in the October 29th, 2010 edition of UAIS Press.

As all of you know, funding has taken a dive this year. Transportation to the school is by horse and buggy, our maps depict the Dominion of Newfoundland, and the ads in the library’s magazines tell us to buy under the Blue Eagle. At newspaper, things are doubly bad. You’re only reading this because we broke into a Kinko’s last night. As a professional journalist (the editors always giggle when they call me this, I don’t know why.), with far reaching connections, I will get to the bottom of this by interviewing… my editor, Juana Gasso:

NJF: So what happened to all of our money?

JG: That’s between me and the Cayman Islands! Instead of asking me, you should do something productive to raise funds for your school, like a bake sale or bottle drive or something.

Heeding Juana’s advice, I decided to give a fundraising Public Service Announcement. Bake sales are out of the question, as my cooking is somewhere between horrifyingly bad and apocalyptically bad, as are bottle/ can recycling drives, because I’m not a granola smoking Communist. The only thing left for me to do is a fundraising PSA. But who could I get to do it with? An ex- president, of course, they always do charitable crap to get people to remember (or in some cases, forget) them better. Bush 43 and Clinton won’t return my calls, and Bush 41 has issued a restraining order, so that just leaves me with Carter. (ZombieNixon will have to wait.)

PSA Take 1

NJF: Since our funding has been cut times have been tough, but you can help.

JEC: Peanuts is good for you!

NJF: (shuffling through script) Wait, that’s my line too! In fact, that’s every line! Who wrote this?

JEC raises hand.

NJF: CUT!

Well, that went horribly. What about a Hollywood celebrity? I hear Alec Baldwin’s in the area…

PSA Take 2

NJF: Hello, I am Nicola J. Fiorvento, eminent columnist for UAIS Press.

ARB: I’m Alec, and I can count to seven with mittens on!

NJF: Stick to the script.

ARB: What? Also, the coloring book you guys gave is so boring. The outlines are so small and they don’t mean anything!

NJF: What coloring book? Sirens of Titan, what did you do to my script?

Well, that was pointless. But our main goal is simple, to help out our school and our newspaper. Please send all donations to Nicola J. Fiorvento, PO Box 1729, Shelby Township, MI. Don’t be stingy, I need a new laptop!

The Fifteen Commandments of Quiz Bowl

2010-11-03T21:14:00.000-04:00

I. Domke is the Lord God, worship no other gods before him.

II. Thou shalt not confuse Upton Sinclair and Sinclair Lewis.

III. Peanuts is good for you!

IV. An opposing coach shalt not force Nicola to remove his hat.

V. Lakeview are hippie scoundrels, they must be defeated at all costs.

VI. Never Pass up a chance to make fun of France or Jimmy Carter.

VII. Key Club are Nazis and part of an international communist conspiracy to enslave the school.

VIII. In literature, the answer is always either F Scott Fitzgerald or Alfred, Lord Tennyson.

IX. Thou Shalt mess with the heads of the other team pregame.
X. Nick Scarf.

XI. Skipper Tripper.
XII. Immanuel Kant WAS a real pissant...
XIII. Bagels are proof that Hitler was wrong.
XIV. If you don't understand what we are saying, it's a 1984 or Monty Python reference.
XV. If you are given a spelling question or a stupid math one, the middle finger is an acceptable answer.

Obama's Wish and Buckley's Dream

2010-11-03T19:47:00.000-04:00

The midterms have fundamentally shifted American political parties.

The Republicans are no longer conservative, and the Democrats are no longer liberal. If I told you that three years ago, you would have called me nuts. But with Republican victories in the House two years after the start of "Forty Years of Liberalism", anything can happen, and probably will.

The Democratic party, and modern liberalism, have taken a wild turn in the last century. Starting out with the Progressives, the Democrats were on the same path to Social Democracy as most of Western Europe in the first half of the 20th Century, but then one thing happened: World War II. The destruction in Western Europe showed the Europeans the apparent "need" for a large Social Democracy. In America this didn't happen. This is where the evolution of American and European leftism diverge, and the Democrats always seemed destined to catch up with their European brethren, the Great Society was supposed to do it, Jimmy Carter was supposed to do it, Bill Clinton was supposed to do it. But it never happened, or almost didn't until Obama. Obama gave the Democrats Social Democracy, but at the price of sacrificing the Blue Dogs, Left Libertarians, and most moderates who had kept the Democratic Party going (but at the price of never allowing Social Democracy to be more than a fantasy of the far left) to the Republican hordes. Obama threw those who had pandered to rural voters, opposed social conservatives, and kept the Democrats "mainstream" to the wayside, they were getting in the way of "progress", not unlike Stalin with the Trotskyites. A Social Democracy Party can, and will, survive in America, but at the cost of losing rural voters and almost every major election in the foreseeable future. Obama's Wish came true: America has a Social Democracy party, and he made it where every Democratic administration since Truman had failed.

The Republican Party, and the Conservative movement, have taken an even more wild ride. Once very progressive themselves, the Republicans were, up until the 1950's, just a group of people opposed to change in all forms. Isolationists, Progressives, fascists, many things that we would now associate with the left were the conservatives. Then, in 1955, William F. Buckley decided that conservatism can, and should, be much more. But what most forget was that Buckley's conservative movement was ideally, very, libertarian. Most of what we now think of as conservative, or would have three years ago was part of a compromise. As Goldberg put it, "the conservatives wanted small government, but the Cold War made it impossible for them to achieve it". Once the Cold War ended, ideally, the conservatives would have made a move to the top of the Nolan Chart, and while not becoming Libertarians, would be far more libertarian than most so called conservatives, with less importance with social issues, more libertarian economic issues, and less of a world policeman attitude. If you've read The Reagan Diaries, you know that much of Reagan's social and foreign policy was not idealistic, but a pragmatic compromise, and Reagan knew that the Cold War made it impossible for him to do many of the very things the original conservatives wanted him to do. But after the Cold War, the conservatives, being conservative, refused to make the step up towards libertarianism, much to the dismay(and in some cases, disgust) of the very people leading the conservative movement and keeping it afloat, such as Buckley, Reagan, and Goldwater. The Republicans forgot, and in some cases got rid of, those allowing them to succeed (much like Obama above). Then Obama was elected. Conservatives realized that keeping their Cold War compromise when there was no Cold War could not help them. And in 2009, a group of people decided to finish what Buckley started, and bring to conservative movement into libertarianism(note the small "l"), most of them not knowing who Buckley was, and certainly not knowing that they were finishing his work. And although he did not live to see it, the Tea Party has finally immanentized William F Buckley's ideal conservative movement.

Big Brother is Watching You

2010-11-03T18:31:00.001-04:00

The title says it all.

Election Day Diaries

2010-10-31T20:47:00.000-04:00

Republicans. Democrats. Tea Party. One Nation. Health Care Reform. Does anybody understand any of this election? If you don’t, then good, it means you’re human, as opposed to a lawyer, or some other proto-simian. That’s why on Election Day, I decided to travel across this great nation, and see some of the idiots who are Congress, and the new idiots bound to replace them.

Kentucky

With the Senate race in a dead heat between Paul and uh… that other guy (I skimmed the pamphlet, so sue me), I wanted to go here first and see a town hall meeting. As soon as I walked in the town hall, I saw a fight brewing between a man dressed as the Grim Reaper and a guy in a tinfoil hat with a Dora the explorer piñata duct taped to his chest (I wish I was joking about this). As soon as I saw this, I got back in the car, and didn’t stop till I had crossed the Canadian border, then crossed the other American border, bringing me to…

Alaska

The only person I could find here was a woman dressed in garbage bags, who threw one of her cats at me. When I asked her about the Senate election, she said “I’m the Senator! And I’ll still be Senator after the election! I’m invincible!!!” I said, “Sure, lady.”, and got back in the car. Turns out she was Lisa Murkowski. While crossing the border back into Canada, I could swear I passed a hitchhiker looking like Ted Stevens, but it was all in my head… right?

Canada

While driving across this waste of space that is Canada, I decided to try to get an interview with the waste of skin that is Michael Ignatieff, Leader of the Opposition. However, my TomTom malfunctioned, but I didn’t realize it until I saw a sign saying “Welcome to…

New York

Crossing the border, I decided to turn lemons into lemonade, and check up on the Governor’s race here. Asking a New Yorker on the street, what he thought, he told me that he was running for governor. At first I thought I had another Murkowski, but then five more people came up to me, telling me that they, too, were running for governor. Turns out everybody in the state is running for governor. Tired of all this, I went back home.

What did I learn? Hell if I know. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to call a priest, Ted Stevens followed me home!